quote:

Originally posted by Saeed:

Of course, the major culprit in this regard are our frineds from North America.

Who have had a few hundred years to slaughter the English language.

And they have done a mighty fine job of it too, if I might add.

Wasn't it Winston Churchill who coined the phrase "two nations divided by a common language"?

To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA therefore not be able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be
independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as Australia is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it
can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only three kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, Australian Rules and rugby (dominated by the Australians). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (again World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

Steve.......

Seems to me like the insipid pommies never had a choice insofar as America's independence is concerned, neither when it was declared or now!

David,

If you read it carefully, you'll see it originated from Oz, so I'm afraid I can't accept responsibility.

It's still helluva funny though huh!

Yeah, it is funny for sure. I wasn't suggesting you were one of the insipid poms Steve - like so many others and fortunately for you, you saw the light and bolted from that grubby little island.

quote:

Originally posted by David Hulme:
Yeah, it is funny for sure. I wasn't suggesting you were one of the insipid poms Steve - like so many others and fortunately for you, you saw the light and bolted from that grubby little island.

Damn, here I go again!

Dave,

If it wasn't for family funerals etc, I'd NEVER go back to the poxy hole of a place.

Last time I was there I thought I'd stepped into a time machine and been taken back to a Dracula horror movie!

quote:

Originally posted by mrlexma:

quote:

Originally posted by Brett Adam Barringer:
"Despite an expensive and lengthy education I still can't spell!"

Apparently, one need not be a spelling bee winner in order to be the grammar police.

MR,

You aren't kidding!!! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! My only saving grace is a started reading a lot. Before I was MUCH worse at spelling.......if that's conceivable!

Brett

quote:

To the citizens of the United States of America
from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

Hey Steve,
Does this mean we are being repaid for the cost of saving the Crown's lily white arse several times in the last 100 years? We sure could use the money now, especially with our "leader in training". The only thing he has mastered so far is the the spending...
(And if I used the apostrophe incorrectly above, can you correct it for me?)

Steve,

I've gotta tell you, the wife of your former President and indeed your current President are none too popular in the UK after their flaky attitude about the Falklands!

You think your current President is unpopular now, just wait till you've had a few years of left wing, politically correct policies inflicted on you like the UK have had with the Labour party.

gordon Brown is about as popular as a dose of clap at a bishop's convention!

And it's your post buddy, so you use the apostrophe anyway you want to.

you think there unpopular there you should be here I require marmite with my toast does that make me a brit by proxy???? and tea is not tea unless it has cream

Ah but the tea has to be Earl Grey!!

HELL NO good Kenyan tea works for me on the earl

I forgot how bad things were over there.
I think it is our fault for engaging the Kaiser and that Hitler fellow. As penance, we will elect a novice President with radical left-wing ideas, no concept of leadership, history, decorum, or character. Further, we will have our legislature (similar to "Parliment", more so everyday)headed by individuals so corrupt that they live by the motto: "Rules? We don't need no stinking rules...".

I only wish I were joking.

Is this off topic?

Steve H
amen brother nov. can't get here fast enough

quote:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA

We had one damn good President and (and as I have stated before) Honorary Rhodesian...The Honorable George W. Bush!!!

And for anyone that does NOT agree......is all I have to say!
PS: GWB is also a fellow Texan!!!

Isn't it amazing that a question of ethics sort of sucks the politicians into it...
Back on topic:
While I have never hunted behind running dogs, I have hunted behind pointing dogs. Isn't that just a stones throw away? I think it is a slippery slope to try and please the Anti's, as the only thing that pleases them is the end of our sports. Let's not go quietly into the night...

quote:

I think it is a slippery slope to try and please the Anti's, as the only thing that pleases them is the end of our sports. Let's not go quietly into the night...

Well said SteveH!!! That was my point exactly!

The closest I've ever gotten to it is riding to hounds with the (now defunct) Garth & South Berks foxhunt....... I fell off a few times and hardly ever saw a fox except for it's arse end, but it was a whole lotta fun!

quote:

riding to hounds

Why don't you ask for the Queen's opinion on hunting behind hounds???

She and I see eye-to-eye here!

I'll make a point of it the next time I bump into her!

quote:

Originally posted by fairgame:
dirklawyer,

Good point. How did you take your leopard?

I have not taken a good tom to date, so the hunt is on. I've hunted over bait, hunted with dogs, and even stalked a nice tom. I've enjoyed hunting them this way, my least favorite, hunting over bait...you know that's not real sporting anyway.

quote:

Originally posted by ledvm:

quote:

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA

We had one damn good President and (and as I have stated before) Honorary Rhodesian...The Honorable George W. Bush!!!



And for anyone that does NOT agree......is all I have to say!
PS: GWB is also a fellow Texan!!!

Lane, not only DO WE AGREE on this point, but that's damn funny too!! I think its about time that you and I go Lion/Leopard hunting together??

quote:

Lane, not only DO WE AGREE on this point, but that's damn funny too!! I think its about time that you and I go Lion/Leopard hunting together??

Hi Aaron,

Thanks for the back up!!! When we did disagree...we were still always on the same side.

I am ready and happy to go hunting with you anytime.

But...I am off to the Dark Continent on April 7th for an adventure. The details will have to wait though!!!

Shakari:

Always interesting to hear from South Africans commenting on us Americans (who managed to throw off an English yoke long before you folks) It's particularly interesting to wonder how come we English speakers even tolerate South Africans many of whom who spoke German and supported a Boer revolt that cost many English lives back not even 15 years before the English found themselves in a war with who? Gee! Those same Germans -and how many Englisdh lives were lost on the Somme? For starters! Oh, yes, I forgot to add that I despise South Africans -and, please, don't tell me about your so called WW2 "service". You calculating Boers and the conniving English living there who thought to make a buck out of the war made a decision that Germany would lose. (It amazes me that the Africans let you English still live there.)

quote:

Originally posted by Gerrypeters375:
Shakari:

Always interesting to hear from South Africans commenting on us Americans (who managed to throw off an English yoke long before you folks) It's particularly interesting to wonder how come we English speakers even tolerate South Africans many of whom who spoke German and supported a Boer revolt that cost many English lives back not even 15 years before the English found themselves in a war with who? Gee! Those same Germans -and how many Englisdh lives were lost on the Somme? For starters! Oh, yes, I forgot to add that I despise South Africans -and, please, don't tell me about your so called WW2 "service". You calculating Boers and the conniving English living there who thought to make a buck out of the war made a decision that Germany would lose. (It amazes me that the Africans let you English still live there.)

Actually old chap, this calculating Boer, isn't a calculating Boer at all, he's British by birth and English by the grace of God which makes me a conniving Englishman that emigrated to Africa some years ago.

And whoever told you damn colonials you speak English?..... You might butcher it but you most certainly don't speak or spell the Queen's English!



Oh dammit, there go my ribs again!!!

Incidentally, my post To the citizens of the United States of America which I presume is the one you're referring to was a joke, hence the little laughing chaps at the bottom.

BTW, it wasn't just English lives that were lost at the Somme. A fair number of others were as well, Including but not restricted to aussies Welsh, Scots, Irish, Indian, French, South Africa (including some of those calculating Boers) etc. http://www.roll-of-honour.com/...ews/The%20Somme.html

I should also say that I'm proud to have a good many of those Boers as my personal friends. - Generally, they're a helluva good people.

Lane - Funny thing, I leave on April 6th. Maybe we will cross paths??

DMA Shakari you mean to tell me I can't spels englihes on two contients NOW!!!!!!! and I thougt all americans knew everything. or at least thats what alot of them they to convence others of I have gotten a better undersatnding of how the rest of the world veiws americans since living away from here so much in the last few yrs

bloddy wankers need there arse kicked

Sigh....... where's the paper towels again...... Damn but my keyboard spends half it's bloody life covered in tea!

All this talk of the Queen has got me sentimental; here's a classy pic of her with the 1st BN of the Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders. Look carefully at the bloke to the Queen's immediate right. Now there's a Scotsman with a right proper sense of humor and duty!

Is that Cockney rhyming sign language for 'wotcha cock'?

at least you didn't blow snot on it this time

how are you knuckle's sore yet?????????

quote:

Originally posted by ddrhook:
at least you didn't blow snot on it this time

Wanna bet?

quote:

Originally posted by ddrhook:
how are you knuckle's sore yet?????????

Still sore and I still have a numb ankle as bloody well!

The things we do for our art!!

try pushing it out to arms lenght to get it away from the speew area!! OPPPPPPPPPPS that wont work either will it

If I push it that far, I won't be able to see the computer at all!

thats why I said it would not work. old eyes and a knuckle dragger to boot

I can only pray you don't think your an opera star!!!!!!!!!!!! that coud be painful even with hearing as bad as mine