One Man's Good Fight

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that
course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had
prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely
going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,
which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day
both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.



Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's
Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.



Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often
haunt in search of tasty tidbits.



Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was
at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the
wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.



The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a
mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.



There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a
noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly,
oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I
began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned
into it.



I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate.



I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked
into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand
there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward
off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me
laugh. Mistake.



Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down",
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth
from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a
few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the
store and firing off a shotgun.



Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through
the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying
that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.



Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is
burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle
of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and
disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.



Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me
and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears
some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to
run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of
the problem."



That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The
employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose
and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off
returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted
from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.



Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the
store..

I was laughing so hard it took me 10 minutes to read the whole story. You have added 2 months to my recovery from back surgery.

shit! I was Cryin'

I think I work with this guy.

quote:

The next day I went to
shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter.

Best laugh out loud joke I have read in a long time.

Well done.

I want the recipe

Same thing happened to me after eating my sister-in-law's moo goo gai pan after an appetizer of spicy guacamole. Except that I went to a bar afterwords and didn't get the same judicial treatment.

quote:

I want the recipe

I developed a special recipe just for the purpose of producing flatus to feed to friends whose wives/girlfriends annoy me.

Best case was a guy who came over before leaving on a long drive, couple days, with his bitchy wife. 2nd honeymoon kinda thing.

Simmer a package of 15 bean soup mix, with several cups of pinto beans, onions, celery and lot's of seasoning bacon with sliced hot sausage.

Coleslaw and a couple deviled eggs on the side.

The nitrates in bacon and sausage aid in flatus production and tend to help them attain a greasy popping finale to the deep baritone of the initial blast.

Cabbage and deviled eggs assist in the bouquet. AS does Worcestershire sauce, sprinkled liberally on the bowl of beans prior to serving, you can smell the anchovies.

Generally good for 3 days of gastrointestinal disturbance.

I should also mention that the same bean mixture can be wrapped up in a flour tortilla and fed to neighbor dogs whose annoying owners take them on long car rides or let them sleep on their beds.

I used to work with a guy once that thought it was funny to fart all the time. He was our parts man where I work at a truck dealership. All of the mechanics would chew his butt ( no pun intended) about farting in the parts room.
I ended up having a major surgery and ended up having to wear a colostomy bag for a while. I told him to quit farting or he was going to have to deal with me. He didn't and had to deal with me. I backed him into a corner and let the air out of the bag and fluffed my shirt a few times and held him there. It stunk so bad that he got majorilly pissed off and didn't do it again. Needless to say, no one else could go in the parts department for at least 30 minutes afterwards. True story.

Tony