GENTLEMEN, IT'S TIME FOR YOUR ANNUAL "AM I GAY?" SELF-EXAMINATION



1. If you are over thirty and you have a washboard stomach, you are gay. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet.

2. If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo. A cat is like a dog, but gay - it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its nails, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat... "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're fit to be framed, you're so gay.



3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on bar-b-que ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, crawfish guts, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.



4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.



5. If you drink decaf coffee with skim milk, you like a high hard one in the poop chute. Coffee is to be ha r d strong, black, and full aroma. A straight man will never be heard ordering a "Decaf Cafe Latte with Skim" and he will never, ever know what artificial sweetener tastes like. If you've had NutraSweet in your mouth, you've had a man there, too.



6. If you know more than six names of colors or four different types of dessert, you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap as well as all the names of all the players in the Major league, NFL, NHL, college ball, PGA and NASCAR. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a "fressier" is you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than denim, you are faggadocious.



7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the punk off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or play with his honey in the passenger seat.



8. If you enjoy romantic comedies or French films, mon-frere, vous le Gay, oui? The only time it is acceptable to watch one of those is with a woman who knows how to reward her man. Watching any of the above films by yourself or with another man is likely to result in SHC (spontaneous homosexual combustion), which is what happens to fags when they flame out too.

HEY! That stuff about Nutrasweet in not true!!

real men do not need artificial sweeteners.two packets of sugar at the most. I prefer mine w/o.

Meat whistle? You mean skin flute?

Is it possible to be too non gay?
How about a guy that wears an orange camouflage hunting jacket all winter?
How about a guy who has never washed his truck?
How about a guy that thinks his own B.O. smells good, like a healthy skunk?
How about a guy that gets Sulphured cutting oil on him when running his lathe, but thinks is smells good?
How about a guy with a case of toilet paper on the tank of his toilet?
How about a guy with a powder burning chart on the wall in front of his toilet so he can read it when taking a dump?


I'll tell you, he's a walking "You may be a redneck" joke, and proud of it.

quote:

Originally posted by tnekkcc:
Is it possible to be too non gay?
How about a guy that wears an orange camouflage hunting jacket all winter?
How about a guy who has never washed his truck?
How about a guy that thinks his own B.O. smells good, like a healthy skunk?
How about a guy that gets Sulphured cutting oil on him when running his lathe, but thinks is smells good?
How about a guy with a case of toilet paper on the tank of his toilet?
How about a guy with a powder burning chart on the wall in front of his toilet so he can read it when taking a dump?


I'll tell you, he's a walking "You may be a redneck" joke, and proud of it.

Nope, your gay.

Is being able to recognize a chartreuse spinnerbait a problem? Is chartreuse one of the six colors?

Chartreuse is like fluorescent vitamin-fortified piss colored, right?

quote:

fressier