Here's the thread for those great one liners. I'll start.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So, I got a girlfriend.

Dutch.

don't argue with your wife, dicker.



[ 03-24-2003, 07:53: Message edited by: Red Label ]

never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

Plumbers mottos:

$hit doesn't run uphill.

Don't bite your fingernails.

We are #1 in the #2 business.

Your $hit is our bread and butter.

NEVER TRY TO HAVE A BATTLE OF WITS WITH AN UNARMED MAN.

Take my wife, please!

Right now I�m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time: I think I have forgotten this before.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
- Aldous Huxley

A government worker is like a shotgun with a broken firing pin - It won't work and you can't fire it.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

I heard this one from a surgeon the other day, after asking for an instrument......

"Don't give me what I ASKED for!; give me what I NEED!"

The guy gives butchers a bad name!

If you say something while you're out hunting in the forest and there isn't a woman to hear it, are you still wrong?

Dealing with hindsight in bosses- "Do it whatever way you want to, just so it's done my way."

Be careful about which toes you step on today, they may be attached to the a## you have to kiss tomorrow. regards, Eagleye.

"The last time my wife cooked the flies took up a collection to fix the screen door."--Rodney Dangerfield

Opinions are like a$$holes, some are foul and full of $hit.

Trash cans in ND are to keep the flies off the bride.

Just because I look stupid, doesn't mean I'm not.

he's so dumb, he couldn't pour piss out of his boot, if the directions were on the heel.

My wife's married but I'm still single! (I'm pretty sure she doesn't read these threads)

A Boss is like a Dirty Diaper, always full of sh** and clinging to your A$$.

"You can get more done with a kind word and a gun, than you can with a kind word alone" ~ Al Capone

"Hell yes it's loaded! It makes a lousy club." -John Wayne

The only two things a plumber has to know,

Payday is on friday and shit runs down hill.

mouse: you short change plumbers. They must know five things.
1 Hot water is on the left
2 Cold water is on the right.
3 Shit flows down hill.
4 The boss is a son of a bitch.
and
5 Payday is Friday.

And don't bite your fingernails.

The best variation on this one was when I was haggling good-naturedly with a co-workers husband who was a plumber and I said after the hot/cold stuff "and payday is thursday" Well of course he corrected me right away and I said "You must be the Foreman!" Busted up everyone in the room.

There are two ways to argue with a woman.

Neither of them works.

[ 04-03-2003, 03:36: Message edited by: knightkrawler00 ]

On a three man paint crew, one man to a grouchy co-worker (I was there)

"Harold, this is a small company, and you've already had your period this week"

[ 04-03-2003, 05:31: Message edited by: El Viejo ]

"You aren't full of shit but you do have ring around the collar"

"If I had a face like that, I'd shave my ass and walk on my hands".

Northern BC motto

You don't have to beat the bear behind you, just the buddy beside you.

Someone must have put a stop payment on your reality check.

Recoiljunky, former banker

THought I would sneak in some Chinese Proverbs:

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

"I bet whatever you got is hard to spell"

It's only a war crime if you lose the war

The best part of you ran down the crack of your momma's a**

A man needs a good memory after he has lied

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice Doggie" until you can find a rock

my personal favorite

I'd like to take you seriously, but that would be to insult your intelligence

Doug

"Never argue with an idiot, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience"

Nice legs, when do they open?

A golf course is a sad misuse of a perfectly good rifle range.

HEARD A PICKUP LINE FOR A GAY BAR.... CAN I PUSH THAT STOOL IN FOR YOU???......... NOW THATS SICK.......

"Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill it".

If you hunt snapping turtles in the nude, never wade in past your knees.

By my father when a friend approached him on the street:

Friend: "Hey John...What's cookin'?"

Pop: "Must be soup....I've had a bone on all day"

Vegetarian: Indian word that means; Too lazy to hunt and too stupid to fish!

Bumper sticker on the back of a smashed up Chevy Cavalier:

See Dick drink,
See Dick drive,
See Dick wreck,
DONT BE A DICK!

On the back of a Winn Dixi trailer.

"You might out run my truck, but you can't beat my meat"

I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather did, not screaming and crying like all the passengers in his car.

"Just because you are paranoid, doesn't mean that they are not out to get you." Ross Perot

The early bird may get the worm ....but the second mouse gets the cheese!!!!!!!!

Some days you are the statue and some days you are the dove.