Here's the thread for those great one liners. I'll start.

My wife told me I should be more affectionate. So, I got a girlfriend.

Dutch.

don't argue with your wife, dicker.



[ 03-24-2003, 07:53: Message edited by: Red Label ]

never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

Plumbers mottos:

$hit doesn't run uphill.

Don't bite your fingernails.

We are #1 in the #2 business.

Your $hit is our bread and butter.

NEVER TRY TO HAVE A BATTLE OF WITS WITH AN UNARMED MAN.

Take my wife, please!

Right now I�m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time: I think I have forgotten this before.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
- Aldous Huxley

A government worker is like a shotgun with a broken firing pin - It won't work and you can't fire it.

Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

I heard this one from a surgeon the other day, after asking for an instrument......

"Don't give me what I ASKED for!; give me what I NEED!"

The guy gives butchers a bad name!

If you say something while you're out hunting in the forest and there isn't a woman to hear it, are you still wrong?

Dealing with hindsight in bosses- "Do it whatever way you want to, just so it's done my way."

Be careful about which toes you step on today, they may be attached to the a## you have to kiss tomorrow. regards, Eagleye.

"The last time my wife cooked the flies took up a collection to fix the screen door."--Rodney Dangerfield

Opinions are like a$$holes, some are foul and full of $hit.

Trash cans in ND are to keep the flies off the bride.

Just because I look stupid, doesn't mean I'm not.

he's so dumb, he couldn't pour piss out of his boot, if the directions were on the heel.

My wife's married but I'm still single! (I'm pretty sure she doesn't read these threads)

A Boss is like a Dirty Diaper, always full of sh** and clinging to your A$$.

"You can get more done with a kind word and a gun, than you can with a kind word alone" ~ Al Capone

"Hell yes it's loaded! It makes a lousy club." -John Wayne

The only two things a plumber has to know,

Payday is on friday and shit runs down hill.

mouse: you short change plumbers. They must know five things.
1 Hot water is on the left
2 Cold water is on the right.
3 Shit flows down hill.
4 The boss is a son of a bitch.
and
5 Payday is Friday.

And don't bite your fingernails.

The best variation on this one was when I was haggling good-naturedly with a co-workers husband who was a plumber and I said after the hot/cold stuff "and payday is thursday" Well of course he corrected me right away and I said "You must be the Foreman!" Busted up everyone in the room.

There are two ways to argue with a woman.

Neither of them works.

[ 04-03-2003, 03:36: Message edited by: knightkrawler00 ]

On a three man paint crew, one man to a grouchy co-worker (I was there)

"Harold, this is a small company, and you've already had your period this week"

[ 04-03-2003, 05:31: Message edited by: El Viejo ]

"You aren't full of shit but you do have ring around the collar"

"If I had a face like that, I'd shave my ass and walk on my hands".

Northern BC motto

You don't have to beat the bear behind you, just the buddy beside you.

Someone must have put a stop payment on your reality check.

Recoiljunky, former banker

THought I would sneak in some Chinese Proverbs:

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

"I bet whatever you got is hard to spell"