Ladies and Gentlemen,

Walter called this morning.

"Are you ready?"
"Ready for what?"
"For that buffalo?"
"What buffalo?"

"I know you are brain dead. But I thought you will know what today is."
"I know it is Friday"
"2 months today, we will be chasing buffalo with Roy and Alan"
"No no no. Roy, Alan and me will be chasing buffalo. You will be enjoying a siesta at the back of the truck"

"I bring you luck. You always shoot buffalo when I am with you"
"True, but we also shoot buffalo when you are not with us"
"Did you buy the ingredients?"
"What ingredients?"
"The ingredients for PROFESSOR WALTER to make HIS tse tse fly repellent"

"No, but I will go out later and get them"
"Are you in a good mood today?"
"I am always in a good mood"
"Great! Can I take my Blaser to Africa?"
"No"

"Hmm. I thought you were in a good mood"
"I will never be in a good enough ood to take that contraption to Africa"

"Can I ask Roy? And if he says I can, can we take it?"
"Sure. I know Roy will never say yes"

"I will not see you today. We have visitors. I am coming tomorrow evening for the movie night. The movie and food will taste so much better if you were not there, bye"


As usual, he has to get the last word in.

Wonderful. Your planning is clearly well-advanced!

Am off to Namibia in two weeks myself.

Regards, Tim

Tim,

Wish you all the best.

Walter is a diamond! Saeed let him take his Blaser but leave the BOLT and AMMO at home!
.....................................

quote:

Originally posted by MacD37:
Walter is a diamond! Saeed let him take his Blaser but leave the BOLT and AMMO at home!
.....................................

So nice to see others trying their best to be nasty to Walter!

He deserves it all!

You two remind me of Ralph Kramden and Ed "Lillywhite" Norton of the old tv series, "The Honeymooners!

You guys should have your own show. The comic relief is outstanding...lol

Saeed,

Do you ever "forget" to take Walter along at the last minute when you leave on a trip? I'm sure everybody would be very sad if Walter were "forgotten" and left behind "by accident."

poor Walter gets NO respect!!! his noise machine was a big hit in Uganda. I took one with me it was hilarious.

Isn't Ramadan starting soon... That's probably what has Walter all worked up!

Having to go all day without anyone else having food to filch.

He called again last night:

"Saeed, I have been looking on the Internet, and found something very interesting"
"God help us! What is now?"

"Well, may be we do not need to put all those nasty chemicals on our bodies to keep the tse tse flies off. You said yourself those chemicals cannot be good for you"

"True, but I would rather put up with what those chemicals might do to me than put up with half a million tse tse flies biting me"

"I have found your answer. All poisonous things don't like electricity, and you saw what that electric fly swatter does to flies. So all we have to do is electrify the truck, and BINGO! No more tse tse flies, no more mossies, and if Roy wears no shoes no more Roy, ha ha ha ha ha!"

"And how are you going to electrify the truck? By the way, I spoke to Roy earlier today. He says hello, and no Blaser on safari"

"I wish he did not say hello, but yes to Blaser on safari. Now to this idea of mine. The car has electricity already, so we don't have to do much to electrify it. All we need is a few of those electric zappers women use for protection, connect them to the car battery, wire them together with one remote switch to turn them on. And, as I am the one who stays in the car, I will have the remote in my hand, and each time someone sees a tse tse fly he yells WALTER FIRE! And I press the switch, one dead tse tse fly!"

"You realy never cease to amaze me with your utter boneheadness! What happens to the people in the truck when they get zapped with several thousand volts?"

"You see, you are proving you are not as clever as you think. The people in the truck will NOT get zapped because they are wearing SHOES! Except for Roy, and any time I make Roy's life uncomfortable I am very happy"

"What happens to those holding onto the truck?"

"I think you should be quiet. The more you talk, the more you show how little you know about electricity. You build all these computers and so far managed not to get electricuted, so you should know that electricity needs TWO contacts. With just one contact, electricity does not work"

"Why don't you rig your own car first, and try it on your wife?"

"Hmm, that is a great idea. It will be better if both you and her get in my car when I try it. I will connect it to the mains. That will get rid of both of you, and my life will be much easier!"

"OK, now we have gotten that silly idea out of your system, what USEFULL idea do you have for our safari this year?"

"Well, Get me a farting machine. I have lots of fun with that one. Sometimes it even drawns Nelsons snoring. He is coming to Dubai first, you know that ha? So don't forget to do his visa. Or better yet, do the visa, and don't send it to the airport. Give it to me, and I will take it. I will be at the airport to collect him, and I will "forget" to hand over the visa to immigration. I want to see him sweat there for a while. I know he will call as he gets stuck at the airport. If he calls you don't answer him. Then after he gets really mad, I will answer him and get the visa to him. I will tell him I got stuck in the traffic. It will serve him right for coming so bloody late at night"

"What a charming friend you are"

"What is for dinner tomorrow? And what movie are we watching?"

"You will find out when you get here. See you tomorrow"

Aaaah!!!! Thinks are looking up and I can anticipate all the excitement and mischief.....!

Hey, what happened to the Fart-O-Matic with interchangeable belch module that I gave to Walter in Tanzania?
He had two Fart Machines last year.
I think the ostrich impersonation was his best stunt of the whole safari.
It was a stunning visual gag, on the banks of the Malagarassi at dawn ...
He's lucky the crocs didn't grab him.

Who snores worse, Nelson or Ron?
Or Walter?

Walter deserve's a private tent, to accommodate all his special needs.
A private duty nurse for Walter should be included with the tent also.

Tent equipment for Walter:

Momma Walter wont allow pappa Walter nears anything to do with medications

I have been away for a few days, and luck had it that I arrive on the same day Walter goes to Morocco!

Peace and quiet for a few days before we head to Tanzania.

He sent me an SMS message

"Are you back yet?"
"Yes we are. Glad you are away. The football boys will have more dessert to go around!"

"What did you do in my country?"
"We landed at Munich, hired a mini bus, and went off to a ski cabin"

"Hahahaha! Typical Arab! Going skiing in the summer where there is no snow! Hahahaha! I am glad I did not go with you"

"If you had come along, you would have had to stay in the cabin all day and watch the cows feeding close by. We went hiking in the mountains. We did at least 10 kilometers a day. We went close to where they found that Ausrtrian man frozen in a valley"

"Bloody hell, you will be fitter than before now. Which means I have no chance of catching up with you and Roy. Hmmph. I thought you will slow down as you get older"

"When are you back in Dubai?"
"On the 16th. Nelson comes on the 21st. Make sure you have plenty of food and dessert ready for us"

"There is always plenty of food and dessert here for normal people. Sweet's freaks have to bring their own"

"My wife does not allow me sweets in the house. But my sweetheart Hessa always has plenty waiting for me. Anyway, I am not a freak. I just like sweets. You should eat some. It will improve your temprament!"

"I spoke with Alan earlier. He said he has a special hut made for you"

"Tell him he should sleep in that hut. Anything special from you or him is unwanted by me"

"Don't forget to start your malaria tablets."
"When do I start?"
"This Wednesday. Take it after dinner."

"Why after dinner? Do the mosquitoes know that?"

"Yes, they do. They are African mosquitoes. And they normally drink your blood after you have had dinner"

"Yes proffessori. You are a doctor now, are you?"

"No no, I leave being a genius to you. You are very good at it. Even my friend Dr. Ron said you were a genius last year"

"You see, I never met him before. We became instant friends. Like we have known each other all our lives. Why is he not coming with us this year?"

"Because you said you wanted Nelson to come along"

"Why can't we have both my friend Nelson and my friend Ron come hunt with us"

"You are only allowed one friend on safari. That is what Roy says"

"I am going to have a word with Roy this year. I will ask him if we leave you behind, how many friends I can bring on safari"

"Roy already told you, he is not hunting with you without me. He cannot put up with all your antics!"

"Yes, I cannot imagine Roy sitting in the camp all day. He wants to be running in the bush chasing buffalo. You and him are nuts"

"OK, I've got to go. I have people coming to shoot. Don't send any more messages. See you on the 16th"

I have been travelling more than usual this year, so have not had the chance to load our safari ammo.

We landed at 5.30 in the morning on Friday, which was great. As the Fridays are normally quiet here.

I normally take 140 rounds of 375/404 ammo with me on safari for everyone to hunt with.

I found 2 empty cases missing. I loaded all the 138 rounds with my usual load of Federal 215 primers, 88 grains of H4350, and our own Walterhog 300 grain bullets.

I got 2 brand new cases, ran them through the 375/404 sizing die, trimmed them, then loaded them with the same load as above.

I fired them at 100 yards.

They landed about 1.5 inches above the point of aim, with a group of 0.413"

I resized and loaded them again, and now I have all 140 ready for the hunt.

It really is amazing that these rifles keep their zero year after year. Despite all the punishment they get in the back of the safari truck.

The scopes are Leupold 2.5-8, and the mounts are all original Dakota mounts.

Whenever Walter misses, he usually blames the rifle being off zero.

He would say something like "Saeed, check the zero on your rifle. It is not shooting straight"

Roy would answer him "There is nothing wrong with the rifle. YOU are the one who missed"

"I was dead on when I pulled the trigger. The rifle is off"

"How come Saeed never complains about it then. How come he hits everything he shoots at?"

"I don't know! Saeed flinches too much. I don't flinch. That is why"

"Then you try to flinch like Saeed. May be you will start hitting them like he does"

"And next you will be asking me to run like him too! NO THANK YOU!"

Thanks Saeed. It was a very long day and I needed the comic relief. It reminds me of the letters back-n-forth between Skeeter Skelton, a great American gunwriter, and his imaginary friend, Jugs Johnson.

quote:

Originally posted by Saeed:


"I was dead on when I pulled the trigger. The rifle is off"

The only time Walter is dead on is when he's making a beeline to your freezer for another 1/2 gallon of Chocolate Ice Cream!!!!

Have a safe hunt.

Don

quote:

Originally posted by DRG:

quote:

Originally posted by Saeed:


"I was dead on when I pulled the trigger. The rifle is off"

The only time Walter is dead on is when he's making a beeline to your freezer for another 1/2 gallon of Chocolate Ice Cream!!!!

Have a safe hunt.

Don

Than k you my friend.

Now I know why Walter added you to his black list!

You have discovered his secrets

Yesterday he called, complaining about the food in Morocco. Apparently he has been fed coscos. His son called him, and he told him that he was here the night before and had a nice steak dinner while watching football.

First thing he said when I answered the phone "Can you email me a nice, big, ribeye steak?"

"Sure. Only problem is that you have to be stored in the email server to eat it"

"I will do ANYTHING to get one of your steaks. They are the best"

"Are you sure you are OK? You normally complain about my cooking"

"Yes, just to keep you on your toes. I will be in your house on the 21st. Come rain or shine. And I am ordering my dinner right now. I want TWO ribeye steaks. Rare with baked potato with cheese on it"

"Your doctor is not going to like i"t, neither is your wife"

"Can you do something and persuade my wife to run away with my doctor? I will forgive all the nasty things you have done to me through all the years I have known you. Please do it"

"Now now. Don't get any silly ideas like these. Both your wife and your doctor have your own interest at heart. Me? I am trying my best to get rid of you, that is all"

"Hmmph. I have to think about that"

"OK, see you on teh 21st. Your steaks will be ready. And the ice creams with hot chocolate on it"

I swear the antics of Walter are one of the high points of your Safari videos. And it sounds like you keep him on a leash there compared to Dubai...

I don't think I could hunt with you guys. I'd be laughing so long and loud that the game would be in the neighboring concession within minutes...

Have fun in Tanzania.

Yes, Walter does do this that people generally never understand.

The first year he went hunting with me was 1993.

Three of us arrived at Victoria Falls, and were met by Roy and Rene at the airport with the gun permits.

Walter did his best to disrupt the proceedings. He made sure everyone heard him compaining of everything under the sun. And generall I was to blame.

He went off with Rene in one truck, and I went with Roy.

Roy said in truck while driving to the camp.

"You and Walter are not starting on the right foot. Is this going to cause any problems?"

"You haven't seen anything yet. This is rather tame by Walter's standards. Wait until you see him get into his stride"

The look on Roy's face was priceless

Now after all these years, Roy is just as confused about Walter as the rest of us.

Trouble is Roy is much too nice to him. Despite all the nasty things Walter has done to Roy.

One day we decided to have a break from hunting buffalo, and we would shoot birds.

We had a Browning B2000 semi-auto, and off we went to shoot some guinea fowl and francolines.

I shot a few, then it was Walter's turn. He was part of the German Olympic Skeet team, so he shoots very well.

That day wasn't his day, as he kept missing some easy shots.

Roy was trying to be helpful, so he got the shooting sticks out of the truck, walked up to Walter, and said "here, use these. You might be able to hit something then!"

Walter had his shotgun full with 5 rounds. As Roy put the shooting sticks down, Walter rested his shotgun on them, and before Roy moved, fired all five in machine gun style!

Roy jumped and started screaming "!@#$%^&*! I will get you for this! Now I cannot hear a bloody thing!"

Everyone was rolling off the truck laughing.

We got into the truck, with me in the front with Roy.

I thought I would add to his misery. I looked at him and started moving my lips pretending to talk to him.

"I CANNOT HEAR WHAT YOU ARE SAYING! THIS BLOODY WALTER HAS TUINED MY HEARING!"

"I THOUGHT YOU WERFE DEAF BEFORE ANYWAY!"
"AT LEAST I COULD HEAR SOMETHING BEFORE. NOW I CANNOT HEAR A BLOOY THING EXCEPT RINGING IN MY EARS!"

Another time Walter had a kidney stone, and was passing blood. He asked Roy for antibiotics.

Roy came in the morning with a small jar with pills in it. He gave it to Walter, who stayed in the camp as we left hunting.

We came back in the evening, Walter was in a much better state.

"Are you OK?"
"Yes, I had my baby" he said holding a tiny stone that he came out.

"But not thanks to your friend! Hey Roy, come here."

Walter was reading off the label on the jar Roy gave him.

"It says here FOR VETENARY USE ONLY. And it has expired 2 years ago! Are you trying to get rid of me?"

"Everyone will thank me if I succeeded in getting rid of you! Any way, there is no difference between humans and animals. You just walk on two legs and they walk on four legs. And with that beard you look like one too!"

Walter's son keep asking me to write a book about his father.

Walter said "No one will believe it!"

And I thin k he is right.

Saeed, I would not turn my back on you - or Walter - for half a second. And that might be too long!

I am reminded of an old prayer: God spare us all, especially from our friends!

Many years ago, he said he has had enough of my tricks. He said he keeps all his wits about him as soon as he sees me.

I suppose that was like showing a red flag to a bull.

A few days later, I was in his workshop. He had a Remington 700 out of the stock, mounted in a vice, and he was adjusting the trigger. He is really great at adjusting triggers.

The bench was in a corner of his workshop, and the rifle was pointing towards one of the walls.

He was adjusting the trigger scrwes, cocks the bolt, and tries it.

The phone rang, and he went to answer it.
Suddenly, I had this uncontrolable urge to load a live round into the rifle, stand back and watch what happens!

The urge was so incredibly strong, there was no way I could have resisted it.

I found a military round, and chambered it in the rifle, and waited for Walter to return.

He finished his phone call, and went back to finish adjusting the trigger.

Then he pulled the trigger.

BANG went the rifle, flying out of the vice! I ran out, Walter ran out, straight to his car and drove away.

We did not see or hear from him for three days.

He said if he had seen me before he had cooled down he would have broken my neck!

Probably because it took three days for his anal sphincter and his bladder to function properly again.

quote:

Originally posted by Michael Robinson:
Saeed, I would not turn my back on you - or Walter - for half a second. And that might be too long!

I am reminded of an old prayer: God spare us all, especially from our friends!

Mike the best Saeed/Walter exchange I ever heard was back in the mid 1990s when we were in Saeed's reloading laboratory and they were arguing about which rifles to take to Africa.

Walter: "I think ..."
Saeed: "You're not getting paid to think."
Walter: "I'm not getting paid.'
Saeed: "Well, then, don't think."

I think that says it all about those too.

Don

i do believe that life would be quite dull around here without these 2

And we have Walter as a constant reminder at the top of every African Forum Page!

Walter was having a problem setting up an iTunes account, because he wanted to download movies from there.

I told him to bring his computer here, and I will setup an account for him, and download the movies he wanted.

He left his laptop here with a long list of movies and TV shows he wanted. He took off on one of his regular holidays to Spain and Morrocco.

I set up an account for him, and downloaded everything he wanted, and had everything ready for him when he got back.

He took his computer home, and later in the eveining he called.

"It does not work!"
"What does not work?"
"The TV!"
"Why are you telling me this? Get it fixed."
"You told me it will work. I tried it, it does not work"

"Walter, just get your bloody TV fixed and stop bothering me about it"

"IT IS YOUR FAULT! YOU told ME it would work. I tried it, it does not work. The TV by its own works"

By now I am really confused, which is not very surprising, given the fact that Walter is involved in this caper.

"OK, start from the beginning, what does not work?"

"I connected the computer to the TV, but it will not show the movies. It says my TV does not have HDCP. What is HDCP?"

"You need HDCP compliant TV to play HD mvies with copy protection"

"HA?"
"You need to get yourself a TV with HDCP"

"But I only got this TV last year"
"Serves you right for buying cheapo no name TVs from the Dragon Market. These cheap Chinese have no compliance with HDCP"

"Can you hack my laptop so it can play these movies on my TV?"

"Go on the Internet, and search for a program called SOUND TAXI. Buy it and download it. You can use it to convert all your Itunes movies to unprotected versions, which you can play on any TV"

"Good. Can you hack into my bank account, and add a few zeros to my balance?"

I hope you guys have a great hunt! Unfortunately I am going to miss out on the first week of live updates as I will be up north hunting sheep and grizzly, but I look forward to getting caught up when I get back to civilization.

Saeed, please say hi to the Vincents, Nelson, and even Walter for me.

Cheers my friend,
Chris

quote:

Originally posted by DRG:

quote:

Originally posted by Michael Robinson:
Saeed, I would not turn my back on you - or Walter - for half a second. And that might be too long!

I am reminded of an old prayer: God spare us all, especially from our friends!

Mike the best Saeed/Walter exchange I ever heard was back in the mid 1990s when we were in Saeed's reloading laboratory and they were arguing about which rifles to take to Africa.

Walter: "I think ..."
Saeed: "You're not getting paid to think."
Walter: "I'm not getting paid.'
Saeed: "Well, then, don't think."

I think that says it all about those too.

Don

Don - Saeed's logic in that dialogue makes perfect sense to me!

Nelson arrive early yesterday morning.

He is staying with Walter. They both came over yesterday afternoon, looking half asleep!

Apparently they stayed awake most of the night talking!

Good luck to you guys.

Saeed: It sounds like the Night Before Christmas! Never a dull moment!

Well, we are in Walter's twighlight zone now.

Nelson came over on the 21st from Chile.
The plan was for him and Walter to drive to the Tanzanian Embassy in Abu Dhabi - roughly a 100 miles away from here. And get their visas on the spot.

Of course, this is what normal people would have done.

Walter called from what I had wrongly assumed was the Tanzanian Embassy.

"Where are we staying in Tanzania?"
"By a big river full of hippos and crocs"

"Does this river have an address?"
"What difference does it make? Just tell them you are going to be hunting in the Selous"
"OK"

In the afternoon they both came over.

I asked Walter "Did you two get your visas?"

"No. They said we can get them Monday"
"Why didn't you get them immediately like I did?"

"We did not go to the embassy. We went to the Consulate here instead"

"Why did you not go to the Embassy in Abu Dhabi?"

"Because, Nelson arrived at night. We got home. We got to talk talk talk. Drink drink drink. Talk talk talk. And in the morning we were too tired to go to the Embassy"

"Great! Come Wednesday morning, I will be sitting in Emirates First Class lounge, enjoying breakfast, while you two are twiggling your fingers waiting for your passports at home! I LOVE IT! Roy is going to kill himself of laughter when he hears about this"

Now we have to wait and see what happens Monday. Trust Walter to leave it to the very last moment to get things done!

Saeed,

It must be wonderful to have a friend(s)(?) who provide you with so much "joy" in life.

Have a great safari

Regards

Saeed Ansari

Nelson is here, as you can see from the following photos.

The most important part of the safaris - rifles and ammo - is getting ready to pack.

We had a few friends to watch football last night. This is our last weekend get together until we get back from safari.

Saeed,
Walter has splattered the barrel of .375/404 Rifle No. 2 with red spray paint,
or is that his nurse's fingernail polish?
Whatever it is, it is a nice touch for a real hunting rifle, blooded many times!

My friend Walter surely deserves the title of "Most Interesting Man In The World."
The Dos Equis Man (TV beer commercials) is a weak imitatator by comparison to Walter.
Surely Walter inspired that advertising gimmick!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v...M1qU&feature=related

BTW, if you have any trouble with getting the taxidermy done promptly, try this taxidermist, I am sure he will not rest until the job is done:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJP1DphOWPs

Go get'em!

Letter Rip (Ron in person)

Saeed, I know it is a point of pride, but one word on the bottom rifle: Krylon.

As for the football, three words: It's not football.

What the New England Patriots play is football.

That other stuff is something else entirely.

Ninety minutes and no score? God save us all from such a sport! When you come back from Tanzania, will the score be: Saeed 0, Buffalo 0?

I don't think so.

Best of luck, in any case, and even though you make your own!

quote:

Originally posted by Michael Robinson:
As for the football, three words: It's not football.

What the New England Patriots play is football.

Wrong, what is played by the New England Patriots is an enigma and unknown in the rest of the world.

May the Lord Bless and Preserve the Selous for the next three weeks.

Otherwise Saeed and party have an excellent hunt.