This Hippo who smells like a Mumbai Slum?


Dear Jetstar...


Do you like riddles? I do, that's why I'm starting this letter with one. What weighs more than a Suzuki Swift, less than a Hummer and smells like the decaying anus of a deceased homeless man? No idea? How about, what measures food portions in kilograms and has the personal hygiene of a French prostitute? Still nothing? Right, one more try. What's fat as f***, stinks like shit and should be forced to purchase two seats on a Jetstar flight? That's right, it's the man I sat next to under on my flight from Perth to Sydney yesterday.


As I boarded the plane, I mentally high-fived myself for paying the additional $25 for an emergency seat. I was imagining all that extra room, when I was suddenly distracted by what appeared to be an infant hippopotamus located halfway down the aisle.


As I got closer, I was relieved to see that it wasn't a dangerous semi-aquatic African mammal, but a morbidly obese human being. However, this relief was short-lived when I realised that my seat was located somewhere underneath him.


Soon after I managed to burrow into my seat, I caught what was to be the first of numerous fetid whiffs of body odour. His scent possessed hints of blue cheese and Mumbai slum, with nuances of sweaty flesh and human faeces sprayed with cologne - Eau No.


Considering I was visibly under duress, I found it strange that none of the cabin crew offered me another seat. To be fair, it's entirely possible that none of them actually saw me. Perhaps this photo will jog their memories.


Pinned to my seat by a fleshy boulder, I started preparing for a 127 Hours-like escape. Thankfully though, the beast moved slightly to his left, which allowed me to stand up, walk to the back of the plane and politely ask the cabin crew to be seated elsewhere. I didn't catch the names of the three flight attendants, but for the purpose of this letter, I'll call them: Chatty 1, Chatty 2 and Giggly (I've given them all the same surname - Couldnotgiveash***).

After my request, Chatty 1 and Chatty 2 continued their conversation, presumably about how s*** they are at their jobs, and Giggly, well, she just giggled. I then asked if I could sit in one of the six vacant seats at the back of the aircraft, to which Giggly responded, "hehehe, they're for crew only, hehehe". I think Giggly may be suffering from some form of mental impairment.


I tried to relocate myself without the assistance of the Couldnotgiveas*** triplets, but unfortunately everyone with a row to themselves was now lying down. It was then I realised that my fate was sealed. I made my way back to Jabba the Hutt and spent the remainder of the flight smothered in side-boob and cellulite, taking shallow breaths to avoid noxious gas poisoning. Just before landing,


I revisited the back of the plane to use the toilet. You could imagine my surprise when I saw both "crew only" rows occupied by non-crew members. I can only assume Giggly let them sit there after she forgot who she was and why she's flying on a big, shiny metal thing in the sky.


Imagine going out for dinner and a movie, only to have your night ruined by a fat mess who eats half your meal then blocks 50% of the screen. Isn't that exactly the same as having someone who can't control their calorie intake occupying half your seat on a flight? Of course it is, so that's why I'm demanding a full refund of my ticket, including the $25 for an emergency row seat.


I'm also looking to be compensated for the physical pain and mental suffering caused by being enveloped in human blubber for four hours. My lower back is in agony and I had to type this letter one-handed as I'm yet to regain full use of my left side. If I don't recover completely, I'll have to say goodbye to my lifelong dream of becoming Air Guitar World Champion. If that occurs, you will pay.

To discuss my generous compensation package, email me at: richwisken@hotmail.com, or tweet me at: @RichWisken

No regards,

Rich Wisken.

I had that same experience flying home. I was pushed into the isle on half a seat, even though I paid for a full seat. But at least there was no odor.
However, I was abused by every passenger who walked past me and hit me and every flight attendant who crashed into with me with the cart.
The plane was full. I complained but nothing could be done. One flight attendant told me the first thing you do when you get to your seat is put down the arm rest. My biggest mistake was sitting down. If I remained standing the plane could not take off and they the airlines have to do something.
I also complained to the Captain and he was very sympathetic but could offer nothing.

Mike

Experiences like this can make you think twice about flying!..(.for a short time at least)


Another aspect of this is, as a slight and lightweight soul, why I cannot have more luggage allowance?!

The combined weight of my luggage and my bod have, on numerous occasions been far less than the massive souls I have been squashed and enveloped by on flights...A flight from Singapore to Brisbane had me as the sandwich filing.. And I bet I paid the same price as them!

I have zero tolerance for untrained/spoiled shits that believe their mission in life is to act without restraint. I have actually used the following ruse when seated next to the screaming brats whose mother/father act oblivious to anyone else' existence. The key is to bring it up in casual conversation:

1. I believed the Dr. misdiagnosed me with spinal meningitis and on my way home for a second opinion;

2. Just released from prison..."Oh, what were you in for"...my response "sodomy, but I was innocent"...

On No. 1 I was given a whole row to myself. No. 2 didn't work, unbelievably, as the mother felt sorry for me...she kept talking the whole way. My luck. I feigned sleeping with 130 decibels in my ear.

Dutch

Hilarious letter.

It happened to me once. I complained to the stewardess. She told me that after the door closes, they have no options. If I had complained before the door closed, they would have had the obese person get off the plane.

This why I won't fly budget airline. I normally am willing to pay for First class on longer trips.

I've done a lot of flying, not as much as most, but every year to the States for 19 yrs an some 15-20 internal flights including connections.

WHY DONT I EVER GET TO SIT NEXT TO A HOT BABE ?

quote:

Originally posted by Spooksar:
This why I won't fly budget airline. I normally am willing to pay for First class on longer trips.

One can have problems in First Class too.

Years ago we were flying British Caledonian - a great British airline that got taken over by BA.

We were only 2 passengers in First Class on a 747 - we did not know each other.

Then a whole bunch od idiots filled the First class cabin.

They were just louts!

Noisy, rude and had a could not care less attitude.

I told the stewardess if this is how it going to be all the way to Dubai, I am getting off the plane.

The stewardess tried to settle them down, without much success.

I repeated what I said to the stewardess to the purser.

The captain comes out, has a word with one of the men.

End of story.

They all sat in their seats, and not a single word was heard from them.

Later on found that they were oil rig workers, who had to be upgraded because there were no seats available in either economy or Business Class.

The stewardess actually thanked me for getting the captain involved.

Once on just a 2 hour flight I got stuck in the middle seat. On one side there was a hugley fat man and on the other side I guess was his even bigger wife. If I was lucky I had a third of my seat and when I went to the flight crew I was told flight was full that I had to sit there or wait for next flight and pay change fees. Since I was flying for work so waiting on next flight was not an option. In hind sight I should have waited as when we arrived I was coated in fat sweat and food crumbs from their constant eating. Airline never did anything even though I made several complaints and wrote several letters. Never flew that airline again (AirTran) and they are no longer in business as they were bought out by Southwest.

quote:

Originally posted by Saeed:

quote:

Originally posted by Spooksar:
This why I won't fly budget airline. I normally am willing to pay for First class on longer trips.

One can have problems in First Class too.

Years ago we were flying British Caledonian - a great British airline that got taken over by BA.

We were only 2 passengers in First Class on a 747 - we did not know each other.

Then a whole bunch od idiots filled the First class cabin.

They were just louts!

Noisy, rude and had a could not care less attitude.

I told the stewardess if this is how it going to be all the way to Dubai, I am getting off the plane.

The stewardess tried to settle them down, without much success.

I repeated what I said to the stewardess to the purser.

The captain comes out, has a word with one of the men.

End of story.

They all sat in their seats, and not a single word was heard from them.

Later on found that they were oil rig workers, who had to be upgraded because there were no seats available in either economy or Business Class.

The stewardess actually thanked me for getting the captain involved.

I hear you on that one,the nice thing about first class is the individual seats. I once got stuck on a full Air Transat flight with 2 big people where I had 1/4 of my seat,and the air condition was not working. This was a flight out of Mexico. I swore I would never fly a budget airline again. Part of the problem is no leg room as they have 2 more rows of seats then most airlines.

On one of my trips across the pond I was seated next to a rather large women from Senegal who not only smelled horrible but complained to the Flight attendant about everything and she was wearing all the brightly colored robes which looked like great fabric with one major problem,, she was covered in fleas. I thought I was going to catch the plague before we landed in Senegal and she got off. It is the only time when the crew that was spraying the plane for bugs got detained by my seat and we sprayed extra bug spray in my seat and area. I am serious,, I was picking fleas off me for 11 hours. I am glad I had packed steroid cream in my bag,,,,

A few months ago on a flight from Amsterdam to Portland, Oregon I had chosen the first row in business class because the seat next to me was empty according their website.
Just before take-off the stewardess showed an enormous body builder type of guy to the seat next to mine. What annoyed me is that there were other empty seats in the BC cabin. Even empty sets of two seats.

Now, the guy turned out to be quite nice, apparently a professional Latvian discus thrower with an Olympic medal. But, I have neither before nor since smelled such an unbelievably foul, and strong, body odor. He couldn't have showered since his last competition, whenever that was and so I spent ten hours with my nose in my wine glass trying to cover the odor.

Unfortunately I just assumed that they stuck him there because all the other seats were full and didn't notice until I was leaving the plane that there were empty seats available.
Still, pretty shitty of the airline in my opinion.

i can't believe the morbidly obese members here haven't joined in with their litany about how they paid for their seat, too( while occupying half of yours) and they are only fat because of a glandular problem( right- over active, over used salivary glands).....

quote:

Originally posted by leopards valley safaris:
I've done a lot of flying, not as much as most, but every year to the States for 19 yrs an some 15-20 internal flights including connections.

WHY DONT I EVER GET TO SIT NEXT TO A HOT BABE ?

'cause the travel agents go "ugh ogh!!" Put him next to the fat, smelly dude!
I must say though, the screaming, shitten howlers are far from pleasant, but then again they cannot be blamed as they were born to sheeple.

The next time this happens to me I am going to tell the flight crew that I am being denied my seat and I want to be compensated for it.

In the US a fat person cannot sit in the exit row if they need a seat belt extender.

If this happens to anyone in the future, refuse to accept it BEFORE the plane takes off.

quote:

Originally posted by Scriptus:

quote:

Originally posted by leopards valley safaris:
I've done a lot of flying, not as much as most, but every year to the States for 19 yrs an some 15-20 internal flights including connections.

WHY DONT I EVER GET TO SIT NEXT TO A HOT BABE ?

'cause the travel agents go "ugh ogh!!" Put him next to the fat, smelly dude!
I must say though, the screaming, shitten howlers are far from pleasant, but then again they cannot be blamed as they were born to sheeple.

Need to Change my travel agent

This discussion of "travel agents" reminds me of something funny yesterday.

We have friends from Australia staying with us. Today they fly to Orlando. Yesterday they mentioned that they wanted to change their seats. MsAZW asked, "How are you going to do that?"

"We are going downtown to the American Airlines office."

"There is no American Airlines office in Phoenix," MsAZW replied.

We had a private laugh about that - in many cities outside the US airlines maintain offices. I don't know how long it has been since that was the case in the US. For that matter, travel agents themselves are a dying breed here.

I have had to raise quite a stink before when sat next to a huge person, the secret is to make a big deal out of it imediatly, and complain about some sort of back problem if not allowed to sit upright, also you have to complain immediatly and refuse to sit down before they close the doors, which they cant do if you are still up.....

In the two experiences that i have had, once they changed my seat, and in the other moved the person.

I think I flew from Dubai to Dallas with an entire plane load of slum dog millionaire rejects. The smell was awful but everything else on the emirates flight was great. As for deserving a refund on a seat? I was flying back from Heathrow to Dallaswith an aisle seat, thinking wow, plenty of room then at the last minute there was an eclipse. Well, I thought it was an eclipse. The light was blotted out by the gianormous asses of a mother and daughter who were obviously culled from "my big redneck vacation". Not only did they take up their seats and half of mine, they also carried every piece of gear ever recommended for comfortable air travel. I seriously thought about strangling them with the strap on my carry on. Then, I realized that the strap would not fit under all of their chins.

That sounds like the "lady" I sat next to on the return trip to Dubai...while Saeed and Walter laughed at me. This "Lady" let loose a few great farts during the trip that would bring tears to your eyes