Recent US military response to encountering venomous snakes in Areas of Operations (A.O.):

Infranty: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills snake.

Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Has 12 digit grid coordinates of snake. FAC gives vectors to target. Air crw can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest, cocktail, and manicure.

Ranger: Plays with snake, eats snake, says it tastes like chicken.

Artillery: Kills snake with massive time on target barrage, along with several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission considered a success and all participants, including cooks and other remf's are awarded Silver Star.

Spec Ops: Makes contact with snake and builds rapport by winning it's heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files huge claim for travel reimbursement upon return to US.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake, prepares volumious thesis in obscure field manual about how to deal with snake using countermobility assets, complains maneuver forces can't understand counter-snake measures.

Navy Seal: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites Seal and retreats. Surviving Seals retreat to R&R and get another tattoo. Hollywood makes movie in which Seals kill thousands of snakes.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missles from various ships in the fleet, assuring each captain gets a combat ribbon, and later makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection, "Over the Horizon."

Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs, retreats to local whorehouse with 13 year old prostitutes, stops first along the way for another tattoo.

Marine Recon: Follows snake. Gets lost.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Para-rescue jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works to save its life.

Supply Officer: Drafts following notice: Your anti-snake gear is on backorder.

Transport Pilot: Air drops expired snakebite kit two grid squaress away.

F-15 Pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy MI-24 Hind helicopter and engages. Crew chief paints snake kill on nose of aircraft.

F-16 Pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, misses and strikes embassy 4 km east of snake. Claims weather....

Ah-64 Apache Pilot: Unable to locate snake. Coldblooded snakes do not show well on infrared. Apache only able to operate in flat desert terrian with no power lines or SAM batteries.

UH-60 Blackhawk Pilot: Finds snake on 4th pass after snake builds bonfire. Pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark LZ. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

B-52 Pilot: Executes ARCLIGHT mission n snake. Kills snake and every other living thing within two miles.

Missle crew: Acquires target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds but can't get authority to launch from National Command Authority.

Intelligence Officer: Snake? What snake? Data shows only 4 of 35 indicators of snake activity in AO are currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General. (JAG): Finds snake. Snake coils to strike, recognizes JAG, aborts attack, citing professional courtesy.

C.R.A.P. - Command Reduction of Army Personnel

As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Army's future.

A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. The program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).

Soldiers who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience.

This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldier's unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).

Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT) phase.

CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army leadership deems appropriate.

If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army.

The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring that soldiers are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SH*T) program.

The Army takes pride in the amount of SH*T our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more SH*T than any other service.

If a soldier feels he or she does not get enough SH*T, see your commander.

Your commander is especially trained to make sure you receive all the SH*T you can stand