I will share a story with you about a client I guided in northern Yukon.

I got this American hunter. He was 5'8" tall and 340lbs. In other words, he was in poor shape. I complained to my employer(outfitter) about how I was supposed to pack him around. Outfitter say's that I am going to have to deal with it because he won't fit in the Super Cub. So I find a short stocky horse to put the guy on.
This hunter is about 40 years old. He is a nice guy... and he cries easy. Just a soft hearted guy. I'll call him "Steve" So Steve and I trail out to set up our spike camp only 4 hours horse ride away. Then we will hunt from there. On the trail, I noticed Steve having a bit of a hard time in the saddle. He was uncomfortable, I could tell. Nothing I could do about it now. If steve had to piss, I would have to find a creek bank or a log for him to get on or off his horse. He could not get on his mount alone nor with my help. The poor horse that had to carry the guy. Normally a good horse, every time we got beside a bank or log so Steve could mount, the horse would move. Although I could understand the horses problem, it still pissed me off. I would have to hold the horse still and curse everytime to get him to stand still for steve.

We finally arrive at the place where we will set up our spike camp. I set up the wall tent and through Steve's stuff inside. Then I proceed to cut up some firewood. Steve is in the tent and I am cutting firewood and I hear this crying. Then I hear Steve say, in a truely pathetic voice, from inside the tent," Daryl, could you(sniffle) do me a favour please?" So, I says, "sure Steve, what do you need.
On my way over to the tent, Steve says again,"I really hate to have to ask you this(sniffle,sniffle) but I really need your help." I say "no problem, Steve" as I throw the door of the tent open. I find Steve sitting on his thermarest, naked, holding his dick in his hands, trying to hide it. Steve is all apologetic about needing my help and is almost crying. Steve says to me,"I need you to look at my BALLS" ... I Think they are bleeding!

I am thinking, why always me! You see, Steve can't see his balls cause he is so fat. He is dead serious, and upset. I am responsible for him, so tell him to settle down and don't worry so much about it. I will have a look. So I lean over while Steve is holding his dick and pulling up his gut with his other hand so I could have a look at his family jewels. And son of a gun, they were as red as a tomatoes! You know when you were a kid and you would wipe out on your bicycle a get a 'road rash' A nasty scrabe that would weep but not bleed. Well that was Steve's balls. They looked darned sore. So I says," Steve, the good news, is that they are not bleeding, but they look damn sore! Then Steve sticks this box of baby powder out and in this sobby voice asks me if I can dust his balls for him. I says" fuck you, Steve." I appologize for the swearing, but that is what I said. Anyways, Steve is all panicky and worried he is not going to be able to hunt. Steve sujests that we take the next day off so that he could air out his balls. That sounded fine to me because I have been hunting for 36+ days straight. That is what Steve did for the entire day, sat on his pillow, outside, and dried out his nads.
Steve and I had and interesting and successful hunt. I will skip these details.

Finally, it is time to head for basecamp. I had planned to get to the lake before dark, then it would be an easy 1 hour ride along the lake shore before we would hit basecamp. We were getting close to the lake when all hell broke loose. The pack string went blowing past me in a panic. Steves horse went by, but with no Steve. Something spooked the horses. I have no idea what. I caught a few horses and went to look for Steve. I found him piled up in some bushes. He was OK but he had hurt his shoulder. With only one usefull arm, we could not get Steve back on his horse. Steve would have to stay at the side of the lake while I went on to basecamp to get a boat to come back and get him. So that is what I did. Left Steve with some provisions and headed for camp.
We find out later that Steve called 911 from his Satalite phone, and asked the operator in Toronto to send a helecopter to come get him on this lake he was at. The RCMP and search and rescue showed up at the Outfitters home in Whitehorse in the middle of the night to find out what was going on at this remote lake we were at. This is a story in its self!
Back safe and sound at basecamp, we figure Steve's shoulder may be broke. We had a plane load of meat going out that day, the only plane for a few days, so the Outfitter decides to send Steve out on it. While camp staff were loading Steve and his stuff on the plane, the cook hollers to me, "Daryl, can you get Steve's camera, he left it in his cabin!" So I run over to Steve's cabin and grab his camera. I stopped. I droped my pants and took a couple of snap shots of my family jewels, then put his camera back in the bag. I run the camera over to the plane and hand it to Steve and with a big smile, say" Take care Steve, stay in touch" I figured, I had to look at his balls, he can look at mine.
I had pretty much forgotten about this, and about 6 weeks later, I get a call from steve, laughing his head off. He had finally gotten around to developing his pictures.

The end.


Daryl

Had me worried! I thought your Steve was going for a hunting rendition of Broke Back Mountain!!

Now that's a story!!!!

thanks for sharing

quote:

I says "fuck you, Steve."

Just classic!


Best,

John

I am sick with pretty soar throat and after reading your story finally i got good laugh.

Excellent story !!!

Beauty story!!!Maybe someday you will lose the memory of the image of that fat bastard's genitalia but it wont be soon! I'd be looking for substantially more money next time.

Stories like this remind me, why a somewhat short tempered, impatient guy of German ancestry, like myself, was never tempted to get into the Outfitting business.
Grizz

Thanks for sharing another classic guiding story, Daryl! I don't think you've posted one yet that I haven't enjoyed.

Nice to see ya around too. Hope all is well at your end!

Cheers,
Chris

great story!!

Another great story Daryl!!

HAHAHA

Great ending!

Good Lord!

What a great story!

That is Good,you should have gotten a big tip to have to put up with that.A friend of mine who is an outfitter has this client who comes out every fall to hunt and is big time practical joker well last year he took a set of elk nuts and stashed them in my buddies pickup and it took him days to find after they start stinking.Well this past season he takes this guy to Bozeman to catch a flight home,well my friend is on the unsecure side watching the guy go through security.They open his carry on bag and the security guy kinda jumps back and then reaches in and pulls out an elks nut sack,his client turns and looks at my friend who waves and turns and walks out of the airport.w/regards

Now that's funny.

I don't think I could have been that understanding. I probaly would have stepped on his toes and asked him if his jewels hurt still?

LOL That hunter would have been perfect for an east coast over-bait bear hunt! Good story.

Thanks guys,

I am glad you enjoyed it. That is about the best one I've got. I have got a couple others, but I have heard a couple of real good ones recently from a hunting buddy of mine about some of the stuff he experienced in the old days when he was an outfitter. One of these days I will share a couple of them. He sure had me going.

Canuck,
Things are going fine, thanks. It's been a rat race the last couple of years. I haven't had much time for hunting neither. That's all changed. Told the 8-5 Boss what I thought about it and have been chasing bison for the last month and having a blast.
I won't be a stranger at AR,
thanks and take care,

Daryl

Now THAT is real funny, I don't care who you are!!

Thanks for sharing - some of us forget how much you guides have to put up with - my hats off to you!

I hate to ask, but - what he was he there to hunt? At 5'8" and 340 lbs - he was likely hunting a place to sit down.

who could possibly top that one. good yarn (story) post another soon. lookout

Yukoner, you might want to suggest this to him, if he comes back as a client.

That, and a pocket mirror, so he can check out his own 'nads!