George Carlin's Rules for '06


New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a

reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't

particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the

football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.



New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out of a window unless

you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was

found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did

you expect it to contain? Trout?



New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde

teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these

kids: lucky bastards.



New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're

gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a

grown man, they're pictures of men.



New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about

your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.



New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of

this crap at the supermarket ? water, but without that watery taste. Sorry,

but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour

some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.



New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned

pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the

bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be

in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security

crisis.



New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.

If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low

fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light

ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.



New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,

entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding,

no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is

supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.



New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't

make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it

translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything

spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not

spiritual. You're just high.



New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly

sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because

watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.

What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's

called "The Howard Stern Show."



New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,

I'll go nuts and eat two.



New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old

television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote

so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the

reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea

wasn't good enough to be a movie.



New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for

weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.

Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't

gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.



New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After

I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex

with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or

just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I

just want to wash my hands.



New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in

months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And

I didn't really care in the first place.

sounds 'bout right

George Carlin is an Irishman, I believe. He is so irreverent and blasphemous at times that I have to keep reminding myself that he's not an Aussie!

Nobody can fukin swear better than George. He's elevated it to an art form. He's my all time favourite funny guy.

the chef

quote:

Originally posted by calgarychef1:
Nobody can fukin swear better than George. He's elevated it to an art form. He's my all time favourite funny guy.

the chef

When Andrew Dice Clay was on his game, he was no slouch either.

Al Sleet (The Hippy Dippy Weatherman AKA G. Carlin)

"The forecast for tonight is dark...with scattered light by morning."


I think Mr Carlin is great!!