Still trying to get my head around the fact that 'Take Out' can mean food, dating, or murder.

The older I get, the more I understand why roosters scream to start their day.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the 'cool table' in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

You know you're over 50 when you have 'upstairs ibuprofen' and 'downstairs ibuprofen

If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.

We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren't a robot

When a kid says "Daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor.”

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to respond, "CLOSE ENOUGH.”

If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.

We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages ...... Metamucil and Ensure.

Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time

Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.

For those of you that don't want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version.... it doesn’t listen to anything.

I just got a present labeled, 'From Mom and Dad,' and I know darn well that Dad has no idea what's inside.

The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are

I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.

My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.

Exercise helps you with decision-making. It's true. I went for a run this morning and decided I'm never going again.

Amen!

Great ones!!

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