1. A sign outside a restaurant said, "Remember what the valet looks like that parked your car.....because we do not have Valet Parking".

2. My wife and I always buy each other ironic gifts, but she "killed" it this year with a set of Double-AA batteries and a note that said, "Gift not included".

3. How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone every two years and charge $1,000 for it.

4. To get rid of unwanted junk each year I put it in an Amazon box just before Christmas and leave it on the front porch.

5. A married man's honest confession: "I always read my wife's horoscope to see what kind of a day I am going to have".

6. We just had a guy come into our auto parts store asking if we sold longer dipsticks, because his doesn't reach his oil anymore.

7. When you are bored, go to Walmart. Find a great parking spot and sit in your car with the reverse lights on.

8. Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself".
You: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."

9. Life Lesson: When one door closes and another door opens.....you are probably in prison.

10. When I say, "the other day", I could be referring to any time between yesterday and fifteen years ago.

11. I don't mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

12. I had my patience tested the other day. I'm negative.

13. If you answer the phone with, "Hello, you're on the air!", most telemarketers quickly hang up.

14. Do you remember that moment when you walk into a spider web and suddenly turn into a karate master?

15. When my wife asks for directions, she always says, "Please don't use words like 'East' or 'North'."

16. Remember the good old days when you could get up without sound effects?

17. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would bore you. Spend 30 seconds in my head, that'll freak you right out.

18. Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever..... We call these people "cops".

19. When I do squats, are my knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

20. It's a really bad idea when a cop tells you, "Please, step out of the car" for you to say, "I'm too drunk, you get in".

Some good ones!

quote:

4. To get rid of unwanted junk each year I put it in an Amazon box just before Christmas and leave it on the front porch.

I like the idea but no one can see my porch.

My New To Do List!!

As to #4, several years ago when the NYC trash collectors were on strike right before Christmas, some fellow boxed up all his garbage,gift wrapped the box, parked downtown with his window open. Sure enough, when he got back the box was gone. I heard that on Paul Harvey.

I recall a D.J. saying this on the radio years ago on Valentines Day. "Just remember those 3 little most important words in this world; two for one."

“There is only one God! DEATH!”

And what does one say to God?

“Not today!”

I usually say fraud and scam protection, how may I help you. They hang up quick. Sometimes I might add a big town in front like Houston or Dallas. Gets em every time.