I know a lady who continually tries to exibit her wit and wisdom by injecting famous sayings. Only problem is she never gets these sayings correct. Here are a few of her favorite bloopers as an example:

Quote:

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Kill one bird with two stones. Eat that elephant one leg at a time. Treat him like a step-headed red child.

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You get the idea.

I should like to enlist all you clever guys to help me create some ammunition to fire back at her. I feel it my Christian duty to counter this trend.....or shall we say "Nip this bud in the trend."

Help, help. Take your favorite old sayings and using craft and excessive subtlety, help me fill my chest with remarks guaranteed to mess with the weakest mind. The sneakier the perversion, the better.

You should leave no turn unstoned in your quest for clever come-backs.

Pecos,
Never forget the early worm catches the bird.
Fordfreak

Developed in the Department of Redundancy Department.

I'm here therefore I am, I think.

real fart smeller or better yet, a real fairy fart smeller for what ever its worth. k2 in orygun

Well, the early bird may get the worm. BUT............



the second mouse gets the cheese.

We have a complete moron in our organization who does the same thing. "We need to put our shoulder to the grindstone, and our nose to the wheel." Or, anyone who has amnesia needs to clean their ears out. What a moron.

"I need you all to know that you're going to have to do several things at the same time, simultaneously."

Pecos
People who live in glass houses.....should get undressed in the dark.

how bout.....ah the thick plottens

or to realy stuff them up this is what I do (takes some practice)when asked a question and the answer is yes, nod your head BUT say NO then walk away....this really confuses people.

Happyer than a fart in a wirlwind

The squeaking wheel gets oiled
turns into
the quacking duck gets shot.

Don't sweat the petty stuff

OR

Don't pet the sweaty stuff

"t-shirts because motorcycles don't have doors"

dyslexic's untie

The dirty bird gets the worm.

Yes, lads.......this is the spirit. Keep up coming. I'm loading my clips with these jewels. I think the idea of putting our shoulders to the grindstone is a hollow point.

If at first you don't suckseed, try try again.

A bush in the hand is worth two birds.

Whats that???

Its a tip tapper for making purple cat pants.

Yah ya get that on these bigger jobs.

If you see a watermelon rolling down the road, you can bet your last dollar there'll be a chicken behind it.

I have absolutely no idea what this means, A fella at work uses this all the time when he is losing an argument

And...
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him take a bath.

Saw this one in the paper yesterday,

"I don't need a compass to tell me which way the wind shines."

R-WEST

I don't recall what piece of equipment the fellow was talking about, but someone I worked with pointed out:

"This thing's seen it's last legs"

H. C.

And until I was disabused in about my third year of graduate school, I thought the opposite of upside down" was "upside right".

H. C.

My old co-worker said this one, but it's so true.
If a turtle ends up on his back.... all his friends laugh at him.

When my mother heard someone bragging or stretching the truth,she would respond with: I've heard ducks fart underwater before.

Some of my mother in laws favorites
Your not worth 2 cents for soap.
Sweating like a hore in church
A waist is a terrible thing to mind