A few more of the "Useless as" phrases

Useless as tits on a bull.
Useless as an ashtray on a motorbike.
Useless as a pocket in a singlet.

And for the mentally challenged
A few roos loose in the top paddock.
A stubby short of a six pack.

She's so fat:
She looks like a sack of cats, goin' to the the river.

She's so good looking:
I'd drag my balls through 3 light years of broken glass just to beat off in her shadow.

Or:
I'd drag my balls through 3 light years of broken glass just to eat the peanuts and corn outta her $h_t

son, don't piss agin the wind, it'll get yer pant legs wet

"I'm so broke if it cost a nickle to piss, I'd just have tuh tie a knot in it and save up"

I'd rather work on my Ford as to hear about yer chevie"

"Refunds are optional, at my option,"

"
I never carry a grudge, soon as I git even with the son of a bitch, I forget him"

This is my own from 1973, had it painted on the side of my truck.
"Gun Controls NOT about Guns, It's about Control"

"she's so ugly she'd stop an 8 day clock"

Next:

"Know how to tell a white man's fire and Indians fire apart?"
"White man build heap big fire, stand way back, freeze, Indian build little tiny fire, sit on fire, keep warm"

"she's so purty I'd drink her piss just to see where it's comin from"

If brains were gasoline you would not have enough to power a flea size motorcycle around the inside of a cheerio.

her pussy looks like she sat on a running chain saw.
her pussy is so big it needs a traffic cop.

Him...
Good golly, your vagina is HUGE!
Good golly, your vagina is HUGE!
Her
You didn't have to say it twice!
Him
I didn't
I didn't

Not quite from the forties but definitely from the early sixties.

"Fuck em and feed em fish heads and rice"

This one applies to my own luck, or lack thereof:

"If it were rainin' whores, I'd get hit with a queer."

Panties aren't the most perfect thing, but they are next too it!!

Your so stupid you could pour piss out of a gumboot if the directions were written on the heal.

quote:

Originally posted by georgeld:


"I'm so broke if it cost a nickle to piss, I'd just have tuh tie a knot in it and save up"

Reminded me of this old one"
"I'm so broke, if it cost a nickle to shit, I couldn't afford to fart!"

Another "whats for dinner?"

Chicken snot, put it in a pot, eat it hot.

quote:

Originally posted by budiceale:
"yer shakin like a dog shittin peach pits!"

Another variation:

"Y're shakin' like a dog shittin' on a barbed wire fence"

She's so fat:
If they told her to "Haul Ass"......
She would have to make two trips.

Nashcat

quote:

Originally posted by calgarychef1:
My father in law used to say about a stuck bolt etc..... "tighter than an old nun"

the chef

The Germans call that "Göötüntite"

Ain't seen him since the cows came home with the bull on their back.

The big boys at school in the 40s used to say things like:

"I'm in the 4F club. I Find 'em, Feel 'em, Frig 'em and Forget 'em."

After parking at the end of a country road they asked their date if she believed in the "Here after", 'cause I sure do. When she asked what he meant, he'd reply, "Well, I mean if you ain't here after what I'm here after you gonna be here after I'm gone!"

Always wondered what they meant. ???

Anyway, one of them ol' boys was so dumb that if brains were steel his would rattle like a BB in a box car.

I'm glad to see you all'v been keeping up the pace while I've been in Mozambique. As they say over there: "These guys invented sitting on your arse."

So dumb, he couldn't pour piss out of a boot if the directions were on the heel.

Here's one I almost forgot:

"Stronger than stud horse piss with the foam farted off."

The day idiots will be able to fly, you will be squadron leader.

I'll kick your ass so hard, you'll have to take your hat off to take a shit.

I'll rip off your head and shit down your neck!

jouge out your eyeball and skull fuck you?

"If brains were dynamite, you wouldn't have enough to blow your nose"
"If brains was water, you wouldn't have enough to give a flea a foot bath"
"If it took an ounce of brains to get from here to the moon, you wouldn't be able to make it out the door"
"You are so ugly, that when you were born, the doctor slapped you in the face"
"I slept with a girl that was so ugly, she turned around three times before she layed down in the bed"
"That girl was so ugly, I put two bags over her head in case one of the fell off"
"If she had as many thing sticking out of her as she has had stuck in her, she would look like a porcupine"
"If women didn't have a p***y, you would see them hanging on fence posts by their hind leg"
"He always has a few girls on the string, some of them ought to be on a leash"
"He is so horny, he gets up early to f**k the crack of dawn"
etc.,etc.,etc.

"If it was legal, there wouldn't be no money in it!"

My luck is so bad, if I fell into a barrel of tits I'd come out sucking my thumb.

Speak from where you were last fucked. If you fart, it's a lie.
Paul B.

Gonna get myself a tin beak and go pick shit with the chickens.

" sweating like a one legged man in an ass kicking contest!"

he,s so broke, he had to jack the dog off to feed the cat.

That ain't worth sour owl $hit.

"In the battle of wits you Sir are unarmed!"

"Busier than a longtailed cat in a room full of rockin' chairs"

"I'll cut you down so low you'll need a parachute to step off a curb."
Or
"You're so low you need a parachute to step off a curb"

"He's shakin' like a queer at a weenie roast!"

"She's finer than frog hair and that's pretty damn fine"

Chuck

When I was in the Navy a fellow sailor out of Florida used the phrase when something worked well


Well that's Slicker than a Min'er's (minow) peter"

"He's so lucky he could reach into a barrel of assholes and pull out a pussy"

The better part of him/her ran down their mothers leg.

makes you fart like a pack mule.

hotter than a four balled tom cat

Well, that should go over like a turd in a punchbowl.

Kid would f**k up the torque pattern on a one bolt flange.

"Grease your ass and slide off my back."

"I'll kick your ass up between your shoulder blades."

Here's a few I remember hearing from adults in my childhood:

He doesn't have two nickels to rub together

That cost a buck two eighty (my dad's famous reply when we asked how much something was)

Where were you when the shit hit the fan?

Here I sit broken hearted, paid a nickle, only farted

He's a quart low

Elevator doesn't go to the top floor

Colder than a well digger's ass

Wish in one hand, shit in the other

He's such a penny pincher, he makes Lincoln cry

Well, not from the forties, but my all time favorite: Hotter than a half f--ed fox in a forest fire.

my grandfather was known to say, in the summer months that it was "hotter than two rats fucking in an all wool sock...".

Rich
DRSS
Knowledge not shared is knowledge lost...

He wouldn't know a bus was up him. till the people got out.
That is as handy as an ashtray on a motorbike.

"he's happy as a fag in a dick tree"

"With luck like yours you could fall into a barrel of titties and come up with two dicks in your mouth"

In Italy there is this phrase to say to get in trubles:" to take the cow for the balls"

quote:

In Italy there is this phrase to say to get in trubles:" to take the cow for the balls"

"or to keep the cow for the balls"

Worthless as skimmed piss!

Bernie

A couple of favorites from the old days:

"Shit fire and save the matches!"

"I'd rather pick fly shit out of pepper."

A more modern one:

"Genuine ignorance beats artificial intelligence every time!"

And perhaps my favorite:

"There is nothing so uncommon as common sense."

(Can't remember who said it, but it's a famous quote.)

"There is nothing so uncommon as common sense."
By:
Frank Lloyd Wright

~HF~