WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After the special counsel Jack Smith brought new charges against Donald J. Trump, political experts agreed that the former President is but a few indictments away from clinching the Republican nomination.

With felony counts in the double digits, Trump is well ahead of his closest rival, Ron DeSantis.

Harland Dorrinson, a prominent G.O.P. pollster, said that, “for today’s Republican voter, felony counts confer instant credibility, and, by that measure, no other candidate comes close to Trump.”

He added that the pressure is on DeSantis “to get indicted for something—and fast.”

“There’s a chance that he could be charged with human trafficking for transporting migrants from the Mexican border to Martha’s Vineyard,” Dorrinson said. “But that indictment might be too little, too late.”

https://www.theonion.com/trump...gh-indict-1850692369

Trump Campaign Worried There Might Not Be Enough Indictments To Meet All Fundraising Goals
Published Yesterday

PALM BEACH, FL—Though new charges are expected soon from both special counsel Jack Smith and a Georgia investigation of the former president, the Trump campaign was said to be privately worried Monday that there still might not be enough indictments to meet all their fundraising targets.

“Frankly, we’ve got some pretty ambitious goals in the coming quarter, and we need several additional indictments about Jan. 6 to really push us over the top,” said communications strategist Jason Miller, stressing that none of his email drafts containing the words “This is an OUTRAGE and WE NEED YOUR HELP” would carry any weight among donors unless they were linked to fresh conspiracy charges from the Justice Department.

“Just look at the windfall we got back in April when those hush money charges about falsifying business records started to crop up. We were raking in the cash. Man, those were the golden days.”

At press time, the campaign had reportedly decided on a fundraising strategy of having Trump threaten the lives of federal judges at a rally.

It's a high bar, the std of measure being Trump, but the field needs weeding somehow!!!

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https://www.theonion.com/rnc-s...ics-viola-1850647890

RNC Sets Cutoff For First Debate At 20,000 Ethics Violations
PublishedJuly 17, 2023

WASHINGTON—Candidates for the Republican Party’s 2024 presidential nomination were reportedly racing to fulfill the participation requirements after the Republican National Committee announced Monday that it was setting the cutoff for the first debate at a minimum of 20,000 ethics violations.

“In order to qualify, candidates must show that they have committed at least 20,000 unique violations of Federal Election Commission statutes, including at least 500 from 20 distinct states,” said RNC committee chair Ronna McDaniel, explaining that the threshold would ensure that those candidates who appeared on the August 23 debate stage in Milwaukee met both the party’s expectations for disregarding the legal system as well as the expectations of GOP voters for undermining democracy.

“Having a bare-minimum ethics violations requirement makes certain that we’re only featuring serious candidates.

Whether it’s accepting illicit campaign contributions, using official government resources for campaign purposes, or failing to properly file expenditure reports, we need evidence from news articles, video recordings, or official stationary that the candidate’s campaign is violating federal law in multiple ways.

Alternatively, if a candidate is unable to reach the 20,000 campaign ethics violations threshold, we’ll make an exception if they can prove that they’ve personally committed at least a Class X felony embezzlement from their campaign funds.”

The RNC also reportedly set as an additional requirement for debate qualification that all candidates must sign a pledge to commit ethics violations on behalf of the eventual Republican nominee.

https://www.yahoo.com/news/tru...point-094501404.html

He's TOAST and just milking it for all of the $$$$ he can.

quote:

Breaking news: Trump only a few indictments away from clinching the GOP Nomination

that's darn funny, i don't care who you are --- is it okay to laugh about a thread title, if it's not a critique?

A Russian spy, a traitor, a liar, a seditionist, a racist, a criminal and a sexual predator walked into a bar.
The bartender said, "What can I get you, Mr. Trump?"