Dear Digital Dan:

I have a problem at home. My wife insists on owning two crats. In the House! I am quite sure she is not insane, she just comes from that type of family. Her mother is also a crat lover. Now, I love my wife, so divorce is not an option. I have thought about poison (the crats that is), but I hesitate because of the severe emotional distress it is likely to cause my wife. Plus, if she finds out it was me, I shudder to think of what she might do to me. At the same time, my disgust at the creatures living in my house is more than I can bear. They shed, claw up stuff, keep me up at night, walk around on the countertops, and make such a stink around the litter box that you can not imagine. The wife insists that I allow them to sleep on the bed with us. This puts quite a strain on the marital relations as you can imagine. I am ridiculed by all. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Pussy-whipped in South Dakota

Are you allergic to anything?,,,break out in hives or something and blame it on them. Maby they got into the garage and were hiding in the snow blower when you started it up,,or,,,,,pardon the pun,but,flat out run them over while backing out The possibilities are endless!!!! Good luck and have fun!!!!!Clay

She gets to have crats, you must insist on a dog. Not just any dog, no no no! It has to be the right dog, a BAD DOG! Then, since all crats like to sneak out, let them out and voila, your troubles are over!

Hugh, well, ah, ummm,

I have some history similar to yours, and since you bothered to ask I can only respond in the spirit of assistance!

First off, Clay made some good points that I won't dispute. OTOH, you can never have too many options. I don't know your lady of course so pass no judgement on how that goes. Know that among honorable men there are certain kinds of pussy whipping that are acceptable, so don't be too hard on yourself. Your wife is another story...

Once in the dark distant past I was burdened with a beautiful wife that I learned to loathe with ease. She burdened me with 4 crats, and as far as loathing them, I was there before they showed up. I bagged crats before her, after her, and even while her. That may not be grammaticly correct but you get the drift I'm sure. Speaking of drift, in a 10 mph cross wind it is not necessary to compute drift for your pickup or lawnmower in the driveway, or the freeway for that matter. The .17 HMR is another story.

Over time I decided that my .257 Roberts was not the answer, and pulled the muzzle out of my mouth. She(wife) was one of those people never in doubt and seldom right. And very quick in making decisions. That was my answer...in a nutshell, subtle psychological warfare spiced with malicious compliance. It worked very well but one must be on their toes with the Cam-corder or they will miss golden opportunities never to be repeated in life. The first for me was when she taught the tortoise shell female to bungee jump. Now, if I'd had my camera going I coulda had a video of the pitchfork inbound in response to my good natured laughter. It woulda made great fodder for my attorney later on. A record of a cosmic first in history too...running crat being lofted into the air, flying with ease if not CATerwauling, wifey chasing crat as the feate was repeated over and over, until she finally got out of synch and caught the damn thing in midair. Then she began to bleed, and cuss, and throw shit(see-pitchfork). That friggin' crat cost me connubial bliss too, cause I slept on the couch for a LONG time afterwards, though in retrospect it wasn't long enough. She could be very damn vindictive, and my wife was a bitch too!

Anyway, do fun stuff like clean the crats and the toilet with each other at the same time(don't forget to flush), preheat the oven, let mice loose in the house to exercise the crats(fireplace on) You're grown up, you'll figure it out I'm sure. Have you ever considered the cute young blond across the street as a crat nanny?

Best of luck!

Dan

Pres., TYHC

www.Marital.Bliss

Ahem,
She has TWO cats, IN THE HOUSE? And you don't think she's insane? Mebbe she just hides it very well.

Some advice on cat disposal: Don't do both at the same time, unless you can make it realistic(bad furnace killed them with Carbon Monoxide, accidentally slipping and falling on them, etc). If this isn't a possibility, try to arrange for it to look like your wife accidently does them in. My personal suggestion is to doctor an unopened can of cat food with a VERY small drill bit(peel a bit of the label back and drill a hole) and a hypo filled with antifreeze. Make sure to recover the doctored can so the wife has no evidence that points to you.

Or you could be like me and say "screw it" and simply make flat cats with your size thirteens!


Toolmaker

Drug one of the cats and place it behind her car tire. Then she gets the blame for (accidently) killing it. Or doped up cat on her car enigne fan before she leaves one morning. This is best done on a cool/cold night, you know how cats like a nice wasm place to sleep. Either way, clean up is easy, just hose off the mess.

Between using one of these ideas and TM secret ingrediant cat food fix, you will have a nice clean cat free enviroment. Then get the big bad dog before she regroups and what to replace the vermin.

Hog Killer

Hello Hughjass.All your advisors here are generally correct in that the missus, willingly or no must be conned into correcting the problem, or you will forever have pussy hair all over the place, three monthly cycles of an unknown impact to put up with, and probably miscellanoeus squalling you are blamed for no matter the real reason. That is not to mention the putrid cat box and cat puking contests you being the stronger sex, will have to clean up. Also not to mention what those cat tracks on the kitchen counter are made of . There is one way out! Get your wife de-programmed. There are those that specialize in de-programming wives in the clutches of a cat lover heritage or conversion. Look in the yellow pages for CULT DE-PROGRAMMER. Goo d luck. N.S.

I bow to Sherlock. N.S.

Dan

Pres., TYHC

www.Jim.Jones

Tell her you've been banging her sister - then when she is thoroughly shocked, tell you were lying and all you did was kill her cats, with the explantion that it could have been worse!


Toolmaker

"There is nothing scarier than a Machinist with a warped sense of humour"! derf

Warped implies it's only slightly out of spec.

Twisted is a better description.


Toolmaker.

Mr. Hugejass sir, Li think wifey-san need spanking. You try this before? Li think not try. Spanky spanky, wifey throw cat off bed into pot on stove chop chop! You rike beau coup!

I thought this might be funny to post this as a 'dear abbey'. The names have been changed to protect the guilty, but the situation is real. I can't run them over with anything, because they stay inside, if I let them out it will be 'my fault'. You are correct that whatever I do it can't be traced back to me. I have no fear of flying pitchforks, but only cause there are none around. Being a member of this forum, it should be obvious that there are a lot of firearms handy though. The worst problem is that If I kill them, she will probably feel justified in replacing them. I already got a dog. She is too nice to kill cats. I suspect that the only way I can get rid of them is to get her pregnant, so she has something real to mother, and then get rid of them 'for the baby'. They cause diseases you know. In the mean time, I will have to keep getting yelled at for abusing the damn things.

Hughgrass Yes starting a family is an option but let me warn you! I have 4grown up dirt magnets of my own who like cats no matter how far you dump em from home they find their way home!& 4 step kids whom not even my local white slave trader or priest will take off my hands So the way I see it is your going to have to look at hired THUGS/ ASSASINES to do the dirty deed to the cats

My Wife’s cat likes to get into the washing machine. I like to turn it on and walk off, but the cat never seams to learn. It has also got into the dryer it sounds kind of funny listening to it thump, thump, yeow, thump, thump, yeow. Cat still hasn’t learned.

Yeah, you can train a dog to not do things you don't want it to do. Like stay off the furniture. But a cat will do anything it wants, it just tries to not get caught. And it knows it is doing wrong and doesn't care.

It depends on how sadistic you are. Go to the home improvement store and get a can of the fast expanding spray foam insulation. Take it home and attache the plastic tube to the nozzle.
Next go to your computer and print up a nice looking fake label to glue on the can. Call it
Kitty Spray Vitamins. Put instructions on the can that the nozzle must be inserted deep into the cats throat before pressing nozzle to release "vitamin spray". Put the can where your wife can see it and later make a remark about reading an article that cats need extra vitamins when feed commercial cat chow. Wait
for expected consequences and be prepared to fake concern when vitamin spray malfunctions and fills her cat with quickly hardening insulation. Dispose of fake vitamin spray or you may not wake up in the middle of the night wondering why YOU can breath.

I like Old Elk Hunter's style although I would place the tube in the another end, the cat will then be permanently constipated and will subsequently pass away cos as we all know if you dont shit you die

SHERLOCK! Better get to the Doc fast!

Dan

Pres., TYHC

www.NoWonderThey.Float

I always knew Ned was full of shit!


Toolmaker

Just trying to help that Hughjass feller out of a ridiculous situation. ned

Oh boy. I am going to be the odd ball again. Ya Ya a little humor I know.... For those of you that are serious...What are you all afraid of? A little 10-pound cat? The only motivation I can think of is afraid, cruel, or don't know any better. You are posting in the hunting area of the forum and real hunters would NOT kill cats for no good reason. Heck if they were such a problem I would think the DNR would have a season on them or even list them as something that could be hunted. I have been hunting and trapping all of my life (over 30 years) and have never found it necessary to kill a cat. When possible they are even released from my traps. Seems like a responsible thing to do doesn't it? My response to hughjass would be. Be a Man and not a whiner like a group of left-wingers outside a Bush Cheney 04 Rally. Try and pet some pussy-cats. You might like them.

Now for a challenge to you cat hating men out there. Try and be a little more understanding to the needs of the wife. I would bet if you learn to be nice to the cat she might share some p _ _ _ _ _ with you more. Remember... Man who keep no peace during day get no piece at night.

Challenge number 2 would be. See if you can respond to my reply and don't result to name-calling. I was a Man and stood up for what was right. Can you?

Sincerely,
Pussy-whipped in Iowa.
And loving it!

Errr...Ahhh..Welcome to the forums of AR. Especially this one,Trapper Trent.
I hope that you know that this is mostly tongue in cheek.Read some of the past post.
When I first read your post , I thought 'Uh..Oh,A troll.'By the time I finished reading it, I found you were just putting in your $0.02 worth.
We don't insult each other in this forum.That is what the Political thread is for.
I been married long enough to not really care if the better half wants to share.It's better to let em think something is wrong w/ them so they will try to improve.
Again ,Welcome.

Would your wife think less of her cats if they were acting crazy and sniffing her like a rude dog?

What if certain articles of your wife's clothes smelled a lot like catnip? What if the cats were annoying her by burying their wet little noses in embarassing places on her body? What if the smell made them very insistent and somewhat crazy?

It might not work that easily, but it sure as heck would be fun to watch.

H. C.

A good alternate location for catnip smell might be the edge of the bed, on her side. It will keep the cats over there, and it may induce your wife to knock them off onto the floor.

Also, I don't know where you could get a bottle of it, but if the cats seemed to be peeing on your wife's side of the bed or on her clothes, those cats might start having to sleep outdoors. Hugh, this is maybe harsh medicine in your case. I guess I am thinking of Dan's ex-situation where the cats were a symptom of something much worse.

TrapperTrent, DNR does not have a season on crats in the Windy State nor is there one on Hogs. Reason being that they are both considered Vermin. I don't believe in torture myself, but if there was ever a creature on God's earth that deserved it Crats win the prize!

I'm glad you've never had need to kill a crat in all your years. Consider yourself fortunate. In geography burdened with large metropolitan areas they are overwhelming nature with numbers and are a vector for disease sometimes fatal to humans. Search Monroe County Florida, Tropical Disease, 1987-1990 if you care. The Miami Herald would be one source on that BTW.

Unlike the DemoCRATS we do not wish to control your life, and we discuss other small game hunting from time to time. You are welcome to participate or not as you see fit, but I must admit to being a bit ruffled by your insinuation regarding invective and name calling. It is presumptive and I think somewhat arrogant on your part. Or are you just plain ol' stirrin' the pot? Verbal assault is something held in reserve for those who deserve it, in fact they usually start it off with a barrage of 4 letter words as they exercise their First Amendment right. Too bad they don't exercise their brain as well. A word of caution while on the subject, you may in fact have expected a 4 Letter Lashing for your post, truth is though we usally go right straight to 5 letter words. I find it easily intimidates those who do not, did not, and never have used their brain for anything other that an ear spacer.

BTW, I do not consider juggling crats and chainsaws torturous or tawdry behavior. Usually the sound of my Poulan puts them in a CATotonic state and I'm sure they don't remember a darn thing about it.

Dan

Pres., TYHC

www.SavingHumanity.OnShotAtATime

You sure enough can buy fox pee at the store, though.

H. C.

Another cat hugger unmasked for all the world to see! Bleeding heart liberal! Bah! BTW Dan, for a Poulan/cat juggler you sure are laid back. In awe, ned.

Welcome to the Crat Wacking forum Trapper. It would be interesting if you could hang around for a while and try to keep a leash on these wildmen!
If you would like to partake of a more cat-friendly forum, scan down a-ways to the real cat forums. It could use some life breathed into it! derf

N.S., a true gunfighter never tips his move.

Dan

Pres., TYHC

www.High.Noon

quote:

---

Originally posted by HenryC470:
You sure enough can buy fox pee at the store, though.

H. C.

---

What Henry Said.

Well, Trapper Trent, you can choose to be ignorant of the most destructive predator on the face of the earth, but thinking hunters understand what a negative impact those cute widdle puddy tats have on the environment.

In my way of thinking, a cat outside of a house should be a dead cat. But you are perfectly okay to go through life with blinders on, just don't expect us to buy into your cat world view.

Red alert! fresh bait off the starboard bow!

Dan, you said you missed Ghengis?

Ask and ye shall receive!


Toolmaker

My wife likes cat also. She can sit and watch
one for a long time. I can too. It takes me awhile to decide if I want to use 3x or 9x on my Leupold.

I like primo cat too. But mostly in asian dishes, although I once had cat medallions with white wine sauce that was very nice. ned

Hey,
I'm with Trapper. In fact, the last time I was out pheasant hunting I rescued a cat from a tree. Heck, Magda and Petra said "Hey dad, we can look after that cat for you while you hunt." What good dogs. So, I left the cat to their tender mercies while I carried on hunting. I would never hurt a cat in the field, at least not while my German Shorthair Pointers were there to do it for me.

Speaking of traps, I once helped a cat out of a leg hold trap. Of course I then reset the trap and smoothly bopped the cat's head on the release plate.

Hugh, I have some hard news for you. Your wife doesn't love you as much as you love her. That the cats in the bed derail sexual intimacy (I mean boinking) is something that she is not unaware of. If there are no kids yet, it is time to move on down the road. Just find a job in another city, pack up and leave. Don't say it's me or the cats to her. She has already made her choice. If you weren't already harboring doubts you wouldn't have brought the subject up. It only takes two years to get over a broken heart.

Twice I have gone out on first dates with hot units only to find upon returning from dinner and a show that they have cats. I asked both of them if they really liked cats (in a very neutral voice) one said yes, the other said no, she really loved cats. In both instances I thanked them for the pleasure of their company that evening but that since I hated cats there was no future for me with them.

Even if your wife got rid of the cats for you, she would always hate you for it. No matter how you would contrive to kill the little bastards, she would know you did it, and hate you even more.

Divorce is horrible (I know), but it is not the worst of things. There are good women out there that don't care for, or about cats. Some of them enjoy boinking quite a lot.

lawndart

He could appease her by volunteering to assure eternal life for the cats by suspended animation. She wouldn't have to watch him stick their heads into a wide mouth thermos of liguid nitrogen. He could innocently claim that the suspended animation machine failed and go back to boinking her.

Boinking is better than taxidermy.

Dan

Pres., THYC

www.Crat.Warfare

Hugh.
Have her check for a link on the web to this, "toxoplasma gondi", parasite carried by cats, causal agent of cat scratch fever, (old southern term for toxoplasmosis), every cat carries this mess, 20-30 per cent of American adults have an encysted form of the disease, and while normal healthy folks with strong immune systems can keep it at bay, once you get down, it can jump all over you, kills a lot of old folks, Dr.'s call it the "Time Bomb" effect.

Can cause "Keyhole" syndrome in children, the parasite migrates across the placenta during pregnancy, and can severly affect the unborn childs eyesite.

Normal route of infection is via inhalation while emptying litter boxs, but can be contacted by holding or touching the cats!

Well, at least I can tell there is no use mixing facts in with the normalcy here!

no problem worriedman. We love our facts here. Just as long as you don't try to post them on an absolutely beautiful weekend when noone is around to respond to them.

You're right, cats are filthy creatures that need serious eradication.