Started off well enough, then the columnist became an idiot...

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http://www.torontosun.com/news.../06/15/14402121.html

Focusing on the big safari hunt

Now that Miss Universe and Miss Hooters are in the bag, it’s time to move on to even more elusive and dangerous prey.

Pack away my pageant judge’s robes. Break out the pith helmet. Big Five, here I come.

Lion, elephant, cape buffalo, leopard, black rhino.

Bam, pow, boom, bang, kaboom.

Hunters call it the African Grand Slam. The Safari Club International offers a big trophy if you nab them all.

This differs from a Tiger Slam. There are no tigers in Africa. If you see one, you must have taken a wrong turn at Madagascar.

Only the mightiest hunters have won the African Grand Slam. The legendary Dan Duncan, of Texas, did it a whopping four times before he died in March. (No, an elephant didn’t step on him. Cerebral hemorrhage.)

The walls have eyes at Duncan’s mansion. Aside from the Big Five, his resume lists 360 species, including the Grand Slam of Sheep (the Dall, Stone, desert and Rocky Mountain bighorn).

Dapper Dan stalked prey across every continent but Antarctica. And, hell, there ain’t much sport in shootin’ penguins.

Now, just when every impala and giant forest hog in Kenya thought it could rest easy, I show up. I’m on safari there starting this weekend.

I have stalked critters from the Rocky Mountains to Manitoulin Island. But most of what I know about the African Big Five, I’ve learned on YouTube.

I’m not alone. A clip called Battle at Kruger has 53 million views.

The gist: Pride of lions attacks herd of buffalo. They grab a calf on a riverbank and chew on it.

Two crocodiles lunge out of the river and try to steal the calf.

This just isn’t my day, the calf is thinking.

The lions drag it onto the grass and chew some more.

“It’s still alive,” the tourists with the camera exclaim.

Sure enough, the herd returns to drive off the lions and the calf scampers off to the nearest 7-11 to buy a lottery ticket.

That calf is three years older now, if his luck held out. Maybe I’ll meet him. Or YouTube’s mating lions of the Masai Mara, one of the vast Kenyan game parks my group will prowl.

Or the mating elephants, mating giraffes, mating monkeys, mating zebra, mating rhinos.

Masai Mara houses all of the Big Five.

They are named not so much for their size, but for fearsomeness and difficulty in hunting.

The deadliest, surprisingly, is the buffalo, a bullheaded beast that butts first and asks questions later.

I mean, if a calf can withstand half a dozen lions and two massive crocs — you sure don’t want to go after an adult with a .22.

I hope the Kenyans will lend us a tank.

The buffalo is the most numerous of the Big 5.

The black rhino is tragically rare. Some idiots think their horns make you horny. There are maybe four dozen in the Masai Mara. I hope to notch one for my collection.

Beware. They are panicky and as myopic as Mr. Magoo and have been known to charge tree trunks and termite mounds.

Leopards are the trickiest, being hyper-shy and nocturnal. Often, hunters need bait or dogs to flush them out.

Amboseli National Park, another stop on our safari, is an elephant Mecca. It is illegal to hunt elephants in Kenya, but I have hopes. Perhaps I can sneak one out in my carry-on.

A lion, of course, is the ultimate prize. And there are more lions in Kenya than Habs fans in Kirkland, Que.

I dream of hanging one above my mantle.

Not a stuffed one, silly. I’ve never hunted in my life.

Only a wuss goes after an unarmed animal with a gun.

Why bring a .30-.30 on safari — when you can bring a Canon?

The guy starts out as an idiot. He is talking about hunting in Kenya, he should do his research since hunting has been banned there for over 30 years now.

David,

I agree with your sentiments expressed above.

But, I think the author's tongue-in-cheek article is referring to a photographic safari. He or she refers to hanging a trophy (NOT A STUFFED ONE) & not using a 30-30 but a Canon (I think the reference is to a camera.

Not to hi-jack this thread but it does point out a significant communication tool; recently Marc Watts alerted us to a possible "60 Minutes" show on safari hunting. There was a great deal of discussion on sending the right pro-hunting representative.

THE INTERNET / YOU TUBE IS AN EXCELLENT COMMUNICATION TOOL WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO USE !

I don't think there was much tongue involved it the article. Not too much brain either.

He thinks his readers will find him clever. Ha, a Baboon is clever. This guys a stooge of the first degree!

What a dork!

Come on folks, it is just the lame stream media demonstrating a hgher level of intellect!

Quote: "Not a stuffed one, silly, I've never hunted in my life."

Quote: "Only a wuss goes after an unarmed animal with a gun."

Yes indeed, you have never hunted, you moron wuss. But your ancestors sure did. If they hadn't hunted they would not have survived, and you wouldn't be here to put down your ancestors and all hunters.

If your ancestors had gone into the field with only a camera, they wouldn't have put any meat on the table, would they? And they and their family would have starved, wouldn't they?

Reporters such as this moron, with their cutesy quips, make me sick.