The dark of the early morn greets you with the fragrant scent of wood fire and ground coffee. It is the smoky essence of a safari and you are in great anticipation of the day ahead. A slate grey smudge on the horizon paints the first light of day. A Leopard grunts nearby.

But something else is astir in camp. The generator starts up and the laptop initializes the Power Point display that illuminates the back wall of the dining area. With rickety rubber bound shooting sticks the PH points out a few new hunting rules - the Top Ten of the modern safari. Meanwhile the waiter is serving out a few Mark Sullivan DVD’s to be digested along with the toast.

Rule 1 No animal shall be shot unless frontal and making full two eye contact with the shooter.

Rule 2. Shooting shall be less than a measured 50 yards. Failure to do so will induce ridicule from the PH and camp staff. Any such incident shall be published on social networks detailing full residential address of the perpetrator.

Rule 3. The client is allowed only one shot per animal. The PH has the right to reserve all ammunitions and distribute accordingly

Rule 4.. If DG is deemed wounded then the animal should be immediately chased into the long grass. Note - There is an ammunition request form that needs to be filled prior to the chase. The order of the chase shall be firstly the client followed by the camp cook . The PH accompanied by the armed scout shall follow up at a safe distance with the car.

Rule 5. The PH will only back up if the client requests him NOT to do so.

Rule 6. Trophies will now be measured in quantities of salt and not inches. There is a scale and form for this.

Rule 7. Hunting will only be allowed with iron sighted double rifles in excess of .577 NE. Doubles manufactured in France will be accepted but have to be photographed in front and across the trophy at a 45 degree angle showing foremost the make and caliber of rifle.

Rule 8. Kicking sand in a hippos face. Sand can be supplied at an addition cost.

Rule 9. The PH reserves the right to remove collars from trophies for personal photographs.

Rule 10. Negative hunt reports will warrant the instant destruction of the client’s trophies and subsequent reams of waffling prose pasted on hunting forums prior to the complaint.

Thought I would attempt to inject some tongue in cheek humor into the forum. Feel free to make up some rules of your own.

Well, I don't have any rules that I can add, but I do have an idea for an invention...

...A satphone / smartphone combination, possibly rifle-mounted, with a special app that makes it possible to pause the hunt at any given point, connect with the team here at AR, and seek advice or pointers from the sideline about what to do and not do, perhaps with some kind of live-feed capability. The hunter could also receive "likes" and "dislikes" depending on what has transpired and how it transpired, and especially on how well he sifted and followed the team's advice.

11. If you insist on using, Heaven forbid, a .375 caliber bolt rifle you will be promptly ridiculed and told it is not adequate and the only "proper" caliber and bullet is the one that is currently the most popular by vote on the social media forums. History and your own personal experience be damned!

Oh I do love biting satire....

Sounds like fun.

Now what Country did you say we would be hunting in, and what may i ask will be the safari cost.

I do not have a 577 NE in the safe. So what a person to do.

Now where do i get a 577 NE for this safari.

Do they make the laser bullet for the 577 NE. I am sure they do, our congresspersons said they do, now where do i find them.

There damn well better not be any rickity rubber bound shooting sticks in the afore mentioned camp.

Jeff

Yep, Cabin fever has definitely set in......

Handshakes with the obligatory "well done, nice shot" from the PH will be limited to two per safari. Client is responsible for determining which of the two trophies harvested warrant this action. If client wishes to use one of his "Attaboys" he will indicate this by extending his hand first to the PH thanking him for putting him on a great trophy. A pat on the back by the PH coupled with "nice Shot" or "well done" is equal to a handshake and will count as one "Attaboy". The client is free to negotiate additional "Attaboys" from trackers and skinners using only small bags of M&M's, Name brand single bite candy bars, or other treats agreed upon by all parties involved.
No hard currency is to be used for purchasing additional "Attaboys" as hard currency is to be reserved for tipping purposes only.

quote:

Originally posted by tim416:
Handshakes with the obligatory "well done, nice shot" from the PH will be limited to two per safari. Client is responsible for determining which of the two trophies harvested warrant this action. If client wishes to use one of his "Attaboys" he will indicate this by extending his hand first to the PH thanking him for putting him on a great trophy. A pat on the back by the PH coupled with "nice Shot" or "well done" is equal to a handshake and will count as one "Attaboy". The client is free to negotiate additional "Attaboys" from trackers and skinners using only small bags of M&M's, Name brand single bite candy bars, or other treats agreed upon by all parties involved.
No hard currency is to be used for purchasing additional "Attaboys" as hard currency is to be reserved for tipping purposes only.

Are TC's considered hard currency?

13. The client will be charged appropriately if they burn more than the small allotment of firewood provided in camp.

quote:

Originally posted by fairgame:

quote:

Originally posted by tim416:
Handshakes with the obligatory "well done, nice shot" from the PH will be limited to two per safari. Client is responsible for determining which of the two trophies harvested warrant this action. If client wishes to use one of his "Attaboys" he will indicate this by extending his hand first to the PH thanking him for putting him on a great trophy. A pat on the back by the PH coupled with "nice Shot" or "well done" is equal to a handshake and will count as one "Attaboy". The client is free to negotiate additional "Attaboys" from trackers and skinners using only small bags of M&M's, Name brand single bite candy bars, or other treats agreed upon by all parties involved.
No hard currency is to be used for purchasing additional "Attaboys" as hard currency is to be reserved for tipping purposes only.

Are TC's considered hard currency?

I am assuming by TC you mean Travelers Checques. I have forwarded this to legal for an opinion. I will respond once I have heard back from the legal department on their ruling.

I've got a .600 (actually two).
I'm in!!
Cal

quote:

Originally posted by tim416:

quote:

Originally posted by fairgame:
Are TC's considered hard currency?

I am assuming by TC you mean Travelers Checques. I have forwarded this to legal for an opinion. I will respond once I have heard back from the legal department on their ruling.

No I think he means Thompson/center (why he would have brought one of those, or why the trackers would want one is beyond me).

This looks like a case of open the damn hunting or bring a straight-jacket.

quote:

Originally posted by fairgame:

Rule 7. Hunting will only be allowed with iron sighted double rifles in excess of .577 NE.

14. Photos with cardboard cut out of Mark Sullivan with you & your trophies will be assessed extra fees over sundowners.
Drink up mate!

15) All animals must be allowed to decide how they are going to die! Unless shot with a 375 as we all know that little spit gun can't kill a mopani fly!!

Like flubbing a drive in golf that doesn't reach the ladies tee box, any hunter who misses a shot on a game animal while on safari is required to hunt with his pants around his ankles until such time as he makes a subsequent killing shot on another animal :-)

quote:

Originally posted by tim416:
Handshakes with the obligatory "well done, nice shot" from the PH will be limited to two per safari. Client is responsible for determining which of the two trophies harvested warrant this action. If client wishes to use one of his "Attaboys" he will indicate this by extending his hand first to the PH thanking him for putting him on a great trophy. A pat on the back by the PH coupled with "nice Shot" or "well done" is equal to a handshake and will count as one "Attaboy". The client is free to negotiate additional "Attaboys" from trackers and skinners using only small bags of M&M's, Name brand single bite candy bars, or other treats agreed upon by all parties involved.
No hard currency is to be used for purchasing additional "Attaboys" as hard currency is to be reserved for tipping purposes only.

Holly Crap! We know who the attorney in this bunch!

Don't forget...

Tips will be assessed by the PH before commencement of Safari, but after all payment is received. Trophy quality will be soley based on tips assessed and received by the PH. Traveler's checks not accepted, but bank transfer and bullion are acceptable. First born offspring may be considered only if they are toilet trained.

quote:

Originally posted by Biebs:
Like flubbing a drive in golf that doesn't reach the ladies tee box, any hunter who misses a shot on a game animal while on safari is required to hunt with his pants around his ankles until such time as he makes a subsequent killing shot on another animal :-)

sounds like it has happened to you--

PH shall grab every client by the shirt neck and jerk them around like a little child into shooting position and yell shoot! Shoot! Shoot!

The hunt shall be for the benefit and aggrandizement of the PH. The sole functions of the client/hunter are to provide financing and ineffectual contrast to the superb competence of the aforementioned PH. Upstaging the PH by such actions as accurate shooting or knowledge of basically anything involving animals or hunting will not be tolerated.

quote:

Originally posted by fairgame:

quote:

Originally posted by tim416:
Handshakes with the obligatory "well done, nice shot" from the PH will be limited to two per safari. Client is responsible for determining which of the two trophies harvested warrant this action. If client wishes to use one of his "Attaboys" he will indicate this by extending his hand first to the PH thanking him for putting him on a great trophy. A pat on the back by the PH coupled with "nice Shot" or "well done" is equal to a handshake and will count as one "Attaboy". The client is free to negotiate additional "Attaboys" from trackers and skinners using only small bags of M&M's, Name brand single bite candy bars, or other treats agreed upon by all parties involved.
No hard currency is to be used for purchasing additional "Attaboys" as hard currency is to be reserved for tipping purposes only.

Are TC's considered hard currency?

no, as they may be stolen by the PH and subsequently cashed, especially if the hunter is from Utah.

quote:

The hunt shall be for the benefit and aggrandizement of the PH. The sole functions of the client/hunter are to provide financing and ineffectual contrast to the superb competence of the aforementioned PH. Upstaging the PH by such actions as accurate shooting or knowledge of basically anything involving animals or hunting will not be tolerated.

If the hunter's body mass exceeds current US Army height/weight standards, no photos and/or videos shall be taken. Hunters who "look a little fat" on video shall have their trophies destroyed, at the discretion of the editor.

You guys are BRUTAL..........
I can't abide by some of these rules. Does that mean I can't go in June?

quote:

You guys are BRUTAL..........I can't abide by some of these rules. Does that mean I can't go in June?

I'm not going, so I see no need for you to go either. Just saying.......

quote:

Originally posted by Woodhits:
If the hunter's body mass exceeds current US Army height/weight standards, no photos and/or videos shall be taken. Hunters who "look a little fat" on video shall have their trophies destroyed, at the discretion of the editor.

A bunch of us wouldn't pass this test, myself included!!

Please, please, please.

Moderate the alcohol!!!


Dulcinea

Some of those are pretty good!

quote:

Originally posted by Woodhits:
If the hunter's body mass exceeds current US Army height/weight standards, no photos and/or videos shall be taken. Hunters who "look a little fat" on video shall have their trophies destroyed, at the discretion of the editor.

Damn ... I'm out.

quote:

Originally posted by Dulcinea:
Please, please, please.

Moderate the alcohol!!!


Dulcinea

WE do we put water in it-----

After reading the rules again, I think maybe a rule that allows us to enjoy the hunt, pay the tips, and then complain about the PH not controlling the weather, flies, mosquitoes, tsetse, snakes, not enough bars in the area, running out of the best kind of Scotch or Vodka, not getting any coffee served along with the morning wake up, water not hot enough or too hot......
Just a thought.

That would apply to a lot of the hunters who have been on the African shows lately. It would reduce the number of African shows out there to almost nothing if adhered to. Seems to be the norm these days, huh?

Larry Sellers
SCI Life Member

quote:

Originally posted by Woodhits:
If the hunter's body mass exceeds current US Army height/weight standards, no photos and/or videos shall be taken. Hunters who "look a little fat" on video shall have their trophies destroyed, at the discretion of the editor.