Ran across this one on my 'puter. I thinks it's from the AR annals, but b4 we had an Alaska Hunting Forum:

(This is supposed to me humerous - need to lighten thing up here with the Ursus topics!!!)
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Bear safety tips

Don't surprise or try to outrun a bruin

No kidding? Well, apparently calmly tying a fly on will surprise a bruin. What surprised me was how calm I stayed and how I clean my shorts stayed...

Here are safety tips for brown bears taken mostly from Katmai National Park's "Bear Facts" and Denali National Park's "Alpenglow" guides to peaceful coexistence with bears and nature.
(That should read: Here are safety tips that will protect our greenie butts in case you really screw up and piss off a critter 2 - 3 times as big as you.)

Avoid surprise encounters
1. Don't surprise a bear. Bears are active day and night. Watch for pawprints and scat. A grizzly's paw may leave a mark 15 inches long.

A: Duh. Watch for my scat, when I see the bear. I can leave a scat mark more than 15 feet long on the trail, when running from a bear.

2. Be alert always to your surroundings. Make noise, especially when visibility is limited, to let bears know you're coming. Sing and shout as you walk. Avoid whistling or grunting, which a bear may perceive as sounds of food or threat.

A: Be at one with the universe, become the bear. Making noise will be involuntary: Most people make sounds like little gasps, expletives, hyper stuttering, and bodily noises. Don't sing and shout as you walk - it pisses off the guy your with and he may shoot you (with the gun he said he brought for the bears). Avoid whistling, because you suck at it. Avoiding grunting will be easy - you will lose all rectal restraint once the bear is charging you.

3. Never run. Running might encourage a bear to chase you. Brown bears can run 30 mph and can gallop up a hillside. You can't.

A: Yeah - sound good here, but when a BEAR is right on yer ass - try NOT running. Instead, try focusing on keeping your footing while running. Nothing sucks more than running and falling with a BEAR on your tail.

4. If you come face to face with a bear, speak to it firmly but calmly. Wave your arms slowly or clap so that the bear will recognize you as a human.

A: Speak to it firmly but calmly?? What is this? Hostage negotiations? Cuss the mother out - this could be the last thing you say. What the hell, huh? If you wave your arms and clap your arms, the bear may recognize you as on of those cult hippies that sells flowers at the airport. Don't do that shit. That is sure to get your ass mauled.

5. Retreat slowly and quietly. Don't make eye contact with the bear.

A: Retreat a helluva lot faster than that - and forget being quiet. Retreat faster than an Iraqi official in front of an Apache. Get the Fuck outta there. Don't make eye contact... what, if you can't see him, he can't see you?? Bullshit. Look that fucker in the eye like your John fucking Wayne, and then run like hell.

Keep your distance

1. Don't approach bears.

A: NO SHIT.

2. The minimum safe distance from any bear is 50 yards at Katmai. When it is a sow with cubs, stay 100 yards away. In Denali's open country, the preferred distance is a quarter mile.

A: The minimum safe distance for anyone not carrying a Stinger missile is about 3 miles.

3. If you're in a bear's path, move out of the way and let it pass. Don't make noise in an effort to move the bear out of your way. Try not to walk on obvious bear or game trails with limited visibility.

A: Bears don't give a fuck for the Supreme Court or Equal Rights, so getch yer bitch ass to the back of the bus. Try not to go outdoors if there is a gang of tough bears hanging around the street corner.

4. Don't interfere with a bear's foraging.

A: Better advise: Just fucking don't interfere with a bear's ANYTHING. This is easier to remember than trying to remember what the hell foraging means. I mean - the bear sleeps, eats and shits. So - does this mean it's ok to fuck with a bear while he's in the can? Or trying to get some shut eye? The fucker sleeps all goddamned winter - DON'T fuck with him. Talk about waking up grumpy!

If a bear charges

1. If a bear approaches you, don't run and don't drop your pack. Bears sometimes charge within 10 feet of a person before stopping or veering off. Dropping a pack may encourage a bear to approach people for food.

A: See earlier comments - and TRY not running! If the fucker gets within 10' and stops, one of 2 things happened: a) I have just shot the shit out of him and he can pass for swiss cheese. b) I shit myself so horribly, even the bear won't want to fuck with me. More than likely, it would be 'b'...

Stand still until the bear moves away, then back off.

A: Stand still - only if your mind is screaming at you to RUN, but your feet are nailed down like in those horrible nightmares we all have. Well, I thought that was common. hmmph.

2. If a grizzly or brown bear makes contact with you, play dead. Curl up into a ball with your knees tucked into your stomach and your hands laced around the back of your neck. Leave your pack on to protect your back. If the attack is short, the bear may think the threat is removed and will walk away, so don't move. If the attack is prolonged, however, fight back vigorously for your life.

A: If a bear makes full contact with you - forget playing, you probably ARE dead. Curl into a cheese ball, with your innards wrapped nicely around you, so the bear can snack on those delicious entrails while he moves you into a cache. Leave your pack on - the food you packed (that attracted the beast) will provide him with a nice dessert once he is done with you.

3. If a black bear makes contact, fight back. Throw rocks, shout and wave.

A: Yep - thought this might get racial. What if a Hispanic or Asian bear makes contact? And why the FUCK aren't we shooting this bear??? What's this, David and fucking Goliath? Shoot that asshole - ASAP.

Firearms and pepper spray

1. Backpackers and rafters are allowed to carry firearms on most federal land and in some national parks and preserves. (Katmai and Denali generally don't allow guns, for example, but Wrangell-St. Elias does.) The entire Katmai coastline, Brooks Camp and the Valley of 10,000 Smokes are to be firearms-free.

A: In other words, if you ain't a greenpeace lovin', bunny huggin', ass fucking hippy, keep the FUCK out. Yep - that's what they said. Thanks a fucking lot, John Denver...

A .300 Magnum rifle and a shotgun with rifled slugs are considered adequate for killing a bear, experts say, but the user must be ready for a quick attack, especially in brush. A .44 Magnum handgun is often considered not powerful enough against a charging bear and may be more dangerous to the hikers than to the bear.

A: Ya know, I think these assholes just play don't like handguns. In fact, I think these fuckers are Canadians, eh? Mo killed a bear with his skinning knife. I'll pack the goddamned .44, thanks anyway.

2. Pepper spray contains capsicum, an irritant derived from some varieties of pepper. Some people carry it, but like a firearm it must be ready to use on a moment's notice. Unlike a firearm, its effectiveness is greatly affected by wind, rain, distance to the bear and the time the can spent on a shelf. A researcher also determined that improperly applied spray may actually attract bears.

A: This shit will end up disabling you, not the bear, dumbshit. Use a goddamned gun - not a spray, you pussy. What is this - Nordstroms? Eau de Pepper? And what if that fucker likes cajun and goes for the 'blackened fisherman'?? Pack a Bazooka...

3. Having a firearm or spray may provide a false sense of security. Avoiding bear contact through smart hiking and camping practices is a better plan overall.

A: From experience: NOT HAVING A FIREARM PROVIDES YOU WITH ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE OF SECURITY. Pack the fucking gun. Practice shooting it at targets of bears. And greenies. And Canadian assholes like Stephen Herrero. Avoid bear contact by never leaving your San Fran gayass apartment.

4. "Bear bells" -- an inch wide or more -- are a popular item among hikers, who attach them to belts, hiking sticks and packs. Researchers found that a group of bears at Katmai, however, paid no attention to bear bells jangling near a trail.

A: 'Bear Bells' -- an inch wide or more -- are very painful when a bear shoves them up yer ass for sounding like a fucking reindeer takeout dinner.

Food storage

1. Food and beverages should never be left unattended. Food and other items with odors (toothpaste, gum and so forth) should be stored in a food cache or a bear-resistant food container or suspended 10 feet off the ground.

A: Leave your food about a mile from wherever you are - that should be safe.

National parks such as Katmai, Denali and Gates of the Arctic lend food containers to backpackers, and they may be rented in Anchorage. The containers, which weigh about 3 pounds, are shaped like a can and have a snug lid with a latch.

A: The tree hugging backpacker can't figure out how to operate this item, but a bear can just smash the fuck out of it and get it open... it appears the greenies are getting taken for a buck by REI and the local authorities

2. Keep backpacks and other gear with you. If a bear comes, it will often investigate, sometimes thoroughly, items left before it.

A: Then employ that fucking bear as airline security.

3. Avoid cooking greasy foods or foods that have a rich odor. For example, don't fry up a rack of bacon in bear country or open a can of sardines. Don't sleep in the same clothes you wore while cooking.

A: And don't eat beans if you plan on sleeping in my tent, asshole. Try not to smother yourself with lard or butter, as this is sure to attract the bear.

4. Keep your camp clean. Pack out your garbage.

A: yes, mother!

5. In campgrounds, store all the food, food containers, coolers and dirty cooking utensils in a hard-sided vehicle or in campground food-storage lockers when not in use. This is a requirement at Denali and a good idea at all campgrounds.

A: wow - you have to tell people that? They must be real idiots. No - let the bear get 'em.

Bears and fishing

1. In Katmai and along streams elsewhere in the state, bears have learned to think of anglers as a source of food. Stop fishing when bears are present. If you keep a fish, take it immediately to a food storage area.

A: I doubt that bears only prefer anglers as a source of food. I think they probably are open to eating hippies and greenies, too. You know - the vegetarian bears. If you keep a fish and the bear tries to take it, shoot that fucker. Enough bullshit already - stand up for yourself, you pussy.

2. Always have someone "spot" bears while others fish. If you're playing a fish when a bear approaches, break your line quickly and move out of the water until the bear passes. A splashing fish often attracts a bear. To break the line quickly, lower the rod tip until it's parallel with the taut line, then pull backward quickly to snap the leader or tippet.

A: I 'spotted' my shorts - more like skid marked 'em - when the bear came over. To break off a fish, just do what comes natural. I've seen you fish, and you suck. So keep using that WalMart shit and this will be the easy part. Like you ever had a fish on!

3. Don't clean your fish in camp.

A: Or in your sleeping bag. Or in your car. Geez - what else will the think of? Don't taunt the bear????

Sources: Katmai National Park's "Bear Facts," Denali National Park's "Alpenglow" and the Anchorage Daily News.

All liberal greenie media sources - so trust these fuckers. No - really, listen to me. Pack a gun. Or more. And use that fucker. These are bears we're talking about. Shit - pack the rifle and a DR mower, with the M50 mounted on the front. Clear a path, literally.

Well it sure lightened things up with me!

Anyone else have a DR Mower? Those things don't take no prisoners!

I've been sharing this with co-workers. Thanks for bringing it back, I must have missed it the first time around.

Yep......Words of wisdom to live by in bear country. One thing I didn't see was a double blade fighting knife strapped to one person. Most attacks happen when you least expect it, gun or no gun. I use a second line of defense just in case of the un-expected happens. My second line (other then not putting myself in the middle of a bear patch in the first place!) of defense is a 7.5 inch Cold Steel Tai Pan fighting knife. I don't use it for anything else. I hope that I never have to use it, but I believe a proper tool is alot better then ones own fist. With a razor sharp double blade fighting knife you just might have a chance. IMO

CK:

You're the first guy I know of who carries a fighting knife for backup bear defense. I carry a 2 1/2" Ruger SP101 (357, 158 gr. soft points) in my waistband (with a hip-grip type pants tab).

Any reason you prefer the knife to a small handgun?

Perhaps he feels it more sporting?

You have a good point, and I should have said my "Third line of defense" is a fighting knife. I do pack a 3 inch S&W 629 in a shoulder holster rig. So as it stands: My main hunting rifle is defense #1, #2 is my 629, and #3 is my Cold Steel Tai Pan fighting knife strap to my belt.

Pretty good read . like the answers and adjatives.