HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL



1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.




2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.




3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.




4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.




5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.




6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.




7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.




8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.




9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.




10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.




11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.




12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.




13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.




14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.




15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.







How To Give A Dog A Pill





1. Wrap it in bacon.



2. Toss it in the air

I have found cat pills best at over 40 grains.

Yep,I caught a 10 lb. yellow cat....caught it shitting in my flower bed.Ivory sights are sweet. Seriously though;many years ago I had taken my sons out on a nocturnal fishing trip for catfish.We got in early/late + just left the gear by the front door.Stink bait still adhered to the hook + line.I was awoken by the most horrendous catterwauling + thrashing (both from my cat + ex wife). The cat was running pretty freaked throughout the house.My sweet (at that time) wife asked what are we going to do????Seemed pretty simple to me.Set the drag + reel her in.Went over like a fart in church but I did get possitive results.Removing the hook was accompished by getting a friend (wife distraught + unavailable) to hold said feline wrapped in a towel while I pushed the hook forward through the lip + got the dikes + cut off the barbs + retracted said hook. Then turn the kitten loose.On a similar tack,a friend of mine in Houston had a problem with getting his C.B. radio stolen from his vehicle at night.Long story short,he brazed some treble hooks onto his new C.B. + yep you got it,the wet was still there in the morning;hung up under the dash,saying only "por favor,por favor" with tears in his eyes.(no wonder).

I have a paintball gun that I play with when I go out with the boys from time to time.

Wife asked me why I have paint balls in the freezer.

Told her they fly better at my buddies.

Little does she know that I shoot those frozen puppies at those bastard crats that shit in my vegetable garden at night....see, I make my own compost!