RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Shepherd:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Shepherd, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This
caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed; 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

That's pretty darned funny.
Peter

Wow! What incredible ideas. Did I mention that I hate shopping and lack creativity? NOT ANYMORE!

Hey, when I was about 10, my mother dragged me out to Woolworths' and I amused myself by setting all the mousetraps on the shelf, and setting all the kitchen timers to ring in 15 minutes. I was a nice guy, I didn't set the rat traps--they could break a finger!

A year or so back I stopped at the Super Target store to get a bottle of liquid paper. I went to the office supply dept. found it + checked out,all in about 2 minutes. The house security stopped me at the exit + said "Did'nt take you very long,did it?" I told him of course not,I knew what I wanted,bought it + left.He laughed + said,"Women NEVER do that."

Norman is the working definition of underachiever...

Rich

Once I went into a small wine shop in Germany, on the Rhine. There's wine region. Chose a couple of bottles of local wine, and when I left, the seller - German - said goodbye to me in Italian. I asked a friend: "I look like an Italian?". "No, but you behaved like an Italian. All examined, evaluated, selected. And the Germans when they go to the store, know what they are going to buy."