I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.


It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she
won't drink from my glass!


Last night my wife met me at the front door.
She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.


A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went
over. Nobody was home!


A hooker once told me she had a headache.


I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you
going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'


My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the
roaches hang themselves.


I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.


The other day I came home early and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him,
'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'


My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.


I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.


My wife is such a bad cook. In my house we pray after the meal.


My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a
hotel.


My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have
had anything to play with.


It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a
button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.


I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept
covering me up.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.


I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me
that she only liked me as a friend.


I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with
his wallet.


When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my
father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through
anyway."


I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.

I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, & asked him to help me find
my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He
said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."


My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.


I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how
big I'd get.


I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I
look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He
said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.


One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.


My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the
electric chair.


THAT'S WHY WE MISS RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Thanks
He was one of the best
for getting No Respect...!

He was one of a kind for sure, absolutely hilarious.

He was the best, for sure. His delivery was everything.

He had no off switch.
He was just being himself and could make people laugh without even trying.

My personal fav:
"The best part about kids is making them"

He had a back ground of growing up sexually + physically abused. Most of the great comics over the years have had similar heritage. I pass no judgement but I do think that is one helluva price to pay for our entertainment.Don't get me wrong;I still laugh + enjoy a good joke,I just have a problem (unsolvable) as to where + why the talent comes from.Laughing is better than crying; I know,I do it myself.

Lovely

My wife and I ssen him in Vegas. He never slowed down the whole time he was on stage.A women, started heckleing him, finally he started on her.She left crying her eyes out. Best show I have ever seen.

Yeah I went to see Richard Pryor with a friend (his tickets why not?) He got to laughing so hard that Richard picked him out of the crowd + then REALLY laid it on on.My bud could'nt catch his breath due to his laughing.I honestly thought he might die.That's how funny Richard was;I can only assume that Rodney in person was in accord.