A guy takes his wife to the Doctor. The Doc says, “Well, it’s either Alzheimer’s disease or AIDS.” “What do you mean?” the guy says. “You can’t tell the difference?” “Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages. Tell you what, drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don’t fuck her.”

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parents’ bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway muttering to himself, “And she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb.”


Q. What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife? A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.


Q. What are the three words men hate to hear during sex? A. “Are you done?” Q. What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? A. “Honey, I’m home!” Q. Why is it called a Wonder Bra? A. When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.


Two young boys, both from well-to-do families, were talking. 1st Boy: “Our new French maid is a robot.” 2nd Boy: “A Robot? Maids aren’t robots.” 1st Boy: “But ours is... I overheard my dad telling one of his golf buddies that he screws her ass off every Saturday!!”


“I want to feel your breasts,” he said. “Get away from me, you dirty old man,” she replied. “I want to feel your breasts. I will give you $5,” he said. “$5!! Get away from me!” “I want to feel your breasts. I will give you $10,” he said. “NO! Get away from me!” “$50,” he said. She paused to think about it, but then came to her senses and said, “I said NO!” “$100 if you let me feel your breasts,” he said. She thought, well he is old and $100 would be very handy. “Well, OK, but only for a minute,” she said. She loosened her bikini top and while they’re both standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel...and then he started saying, “OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD,” while he was caressing them. So, out of curiosity, she asked him, “Why do you keep saying ‘Oh my god?’” While continuing to fondle her tits he answered, “OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get $100?”


A week after arriving back home from Mongolia, a guy wakes one morning to find his dick covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days. The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad news for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it.” The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis.” The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.” The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice.” The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease.” The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis.” The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Engrish doctah, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!” “Oh, thank goodness!” the man replies. “Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by itself... You save money.”


A nude woman looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, “I look horrible, fat and ugly. Can you please pay me a compliment?” The husband replies, “Well, your eyesight’s excellent.”

Q. What’s the difference between a fridge and a blonde? A. A fridge doesn’t fart when you take your meat out.

OK, A couple of add ons!

What is the worst thing a man can hear during sex?

Is it in yet?

A man goes up to a beautiful woman and asks will you have sex with me for $10,000 dollars?

She says sure!

He says will you have sex with me for $5.00?

She says----What do you think I am?

He says---We have already established that, we are now just haggling over the price!

Hip