A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay; you'll walk again and everything but something bad happened. I'm trying to break this gently but the fact is that your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans but the doctor goes on, "We understand you've got £9000 in insurance compensation coming your way when you claim. We have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is it doesn't come cheap: it's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want, but it's something you'd need to discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five incher before and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might get very excited. However, if you had a nine incher before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's very important that she is involved in the decision."

The man agrees to talk to his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken to your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite work tops.”