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Subject: News Alert - Terrorism Alert Levels Raised



I N T E R N A T I O N A L R E S P O N S E S



The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist

threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to

"Peeved."



Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated"

or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since

the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.



Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody

Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance"

warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.



The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get

the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason

they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last

300 years.



The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its

terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in

France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by

a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively

paralyzing the country's military capability.



It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy

has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to

"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective

Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."



The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful

Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also

have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".



Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only

threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels



The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to

deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new

Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.



Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on
everybody..... just in case.


New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa"to

"BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a

squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some

toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more

level of escalation, which is "*^%$#@!, I hope Australia will come and

rescue us".


Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries"

to "She'll be right, mate". Two more escalation levels remain,

"Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and

"The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use

of the final escalation level.

Very good!

The comedian Ron White said that terrorism awareness system should contain only two levels: 1. Go get a helmet, 2. Put on the fucking helmet.