I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
----------------------------------
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.
-------------------------------
Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!
-------------------------------
A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No thanks mister, sex is the last thing on my mind at the moment.'
----------------------------------
Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!
-------------------------------
Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
--------------------------------
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'
------------------------------------
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Iowa. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him, where am I? The farmer looks back up and shouts back. You're in a basket you dumb shit!
--------------------------------
I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?
----------------------------------
I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.
----------------------------------
I've learned that pleasing every one is impossible, but upsetting everyone is a piece of cake.

we need to hang out.
I can go in the places you used to be able to hang out, and you can go in the ones I got tossed out of.

Great Post..

DAMN, those are all Good!

George

Indeed1 i've been using them in regular conversations!

quote:

DAMN, those are all Good!

+2!!!!!

Fantastic!

I am having a field day sending selected ones to people, especially the one about women's mouths.

I have a friend whose wife never stops talking, I take a box of ear plugs to give other guests!

Saeed
You may want to giver an Native American nickname

Princess Running Tongue

Here is something for Saaed!

Do you know why woman can't fart loud?

Because they never stop talking long enough to build up any pressure!

Hip

Or as my Dad used to say, "Diarrhea of the mouth."

Yeah! That's our politicians---- CONSTIPATION OF THE MIND and DIARRHEA OF THE MOUTH!!!

Hip

Bloody hell!

People say I am nasty!

I don’t compare to some of you lot!