• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

• When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.

• The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

• The batteries were given out free of charge.

• A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

• A will is a dead giveaway.

• If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

• Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

• You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

• Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

• A boiled egg is hard to beat.

• When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall.

• Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

• Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

• If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

• A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

• In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

• When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.

• Acupuncture: a jab well done.

The female mind:

In the left half nothing is right and in the right half nothing is left.