A Wee Scottish Tale:

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St. Andrews course.

A groundskeeper shouts: "Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!"

The golfer replies: "My good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English, please!?"

The keeper replies: "I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!"