A history teacher asks a class full of kids - 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'
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Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.
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Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans. Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane......
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A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'...
So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.
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A man is in a queue at Harrod's and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him and then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. 'Yes: I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says 'Are you the bird I shagged on my stag night, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'
'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'
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My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age." "Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
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A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
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I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
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Disabled toilets.
Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
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I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
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I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.
She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Ohhhh boy I gotta steal some of those!!

LMAO!!!!!!