Some better than others:

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said I had the biggest dick she had ever laid her hands on. I said,"You're pulling
my leg!"

I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice. At least I think she was poor, she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything was going fine until the doctor stuck his finger up my butt. Do you think I
should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband, "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back." He says, "What do you expect? You're in a wheel chair."

I was explaining to my wife that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're not listening."

My wife has been missing for a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I returned to the thrift shop and got her clothes back.

At the Senior Citizens Center, they had a contest. I lost by one point. The question was: Where do the most women have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa.

Another question I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. Mexicans was not the correct answer.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop in our shopping center. But I've been banned from it after asking to see the bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A buddy of mine told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I asked "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother has a mustache."

When I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, sicko."

The Red Cross knocked at our door and asked if we could help flood victims in Pakistan. I said we would love to but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

Hey, I live in the Catskills. My wife is making Catskill Surf and Turf for supper tonight. Woodchuck and sucker.