This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter
plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full o f other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. Y ou would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.



On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exa m were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all....

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

As a colon cancer survivor I've got two favorite jokes:

Why did the Jewish American Princess not want a colostomy?
Too hard to find shoes to go with the bag!

And a favored line: "You can say whatever you want but I know for a medical fact that I'm less full of sh*t than you!"

Tom
HOPE THEY GOT IT ALL...........

That's good writing! Reminds me of the work of Douglas Adams.

Humor helps, but like the one finger wave, all of us men (and our beloved women)born before 1960 need to take the plunge, get cleaned out and scoped. Mine is due again next year, and I know I will get it done when its too hot to fish or hunt. And my wife will make fun of me, but take care of me afterwards. Like I did to her.
Judge Sharpe

I had the procedure several years ago and the thing that amazed me the most was when I woke up I had all my clothes on. How in the world did that happen?

Nashville comedian Jerry Clower, now deceased (may he rest in peace) in telling of his experience said..."hey doc don't pull the trigger on that shotgun while your fiddling around in thar." ".410, my butt, feels more like an 8 gauge....."

quote:

Originally posted by xgrunt:


I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

You are lucky!! They failed in the knocking me out part! They pumped air in to have a better look. Hurt like hell! I had a cheering section, the doctor, a doctor in training and two nurses, telling me " You're doing good, don't worry!" So I'm laying there looking at my colon up on the large LCD screen! Then back to the Colonscopy ward.
One poor woman got put in there and was in for a different procedure, next room but that ward was full. She had to lay there listening to a room full of men farting loud and proud!!

I had one done about three weeks ago. I was way too woozy to hear what the doctor said after I got dress with a lot of help from the wife but when i got home and was more coherant, I asked the wife what the doctor said? Her reply, "Congratulations. You're a perfect asshole." Guess everything was OK up there in my nether regions.
My oncologist (Prostate cancer, cured. ) said later that I could wait 10 years before I had to get another one. Just what I need for my 80th birthday present.
Paul B.

I think they used a bulldozer-mounted jackhammer for mine.
Or my doctor was just a little frisky that morning...

quote:

Originally posted by .366torque:
Billy Connelly explains the "prep".

A very good friend 58 years old. diagnosed with colon cancer, had 2 surgerys buried him 6 months later.
Lyle

I'm having my bi-annual colonoscopy tomorrow, and have been in and out of the bathroom for the last hour after drinking a half gallon of that goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. I'm supposed to set the alarm for 5:00 am and drink the other half. Ooops, gotta go....

I had one about 3 years ago. Two friends and myself went up to my cabin in the U.P. to bowhunt for the weekend. On Monday, on our way back home I had to stop and get my colonoscopy done. I had it done in the Dr. office wich was connected to the hospital. When I went in the office, I got a pill to relax me. I did not get to go 'out'. It just happen to get drunk out at the cabin on Saturday night. My so called buddies wanted to write on the cheeks of my ass! Well, like I said , it was drunk out. Down came my pants and Jimmy wrote "Exit Only", one word per cheek, in pemanent black magic marker! Come Sunday morning, I did not think it was as funny as those two clowns did. Fast forward to me sitting on this table in the doctors office with my little 1/4 gown on. The doctor and his nurse are in the room, getting ready. The Doc asks me what I did over the weekend. Well,I said that me and two buddies went up to my cabin hunting and had a really good time. No deer but it was fun. I really did not know what to tell him. He proceded to tell me that this was going to be very uncomfortable but would try to make it as easy as could be. Well, he tells me to lay down on my side.Out goes the light, on comes a black light and up goes my little gown. Out comes the laughter! It took those two other clowns 5 minutes to quit laughing. The Doc finally says that that has only happened one other time, and that was his neighbor. It's no fun if you can't have fun!