Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last;


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding something with hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Thanks Saeed. I just brought my airplane in for an annual inspection. I'll be wording my gripes carefully.

Saeed:

As a charter member of the "white knuckle" club, I am not amused! (It was many years before I got used to the thump of the landing gear retracting into the well and all strange noises worry me. Your posting does not reassure me, Saeed!)

Not to worry Gerry, god doesn't want lawyers! derf

derf:

I really shouldn't tell this story (but I guess I have to admit that even lawyers think God agrees with you) Some years ago I boarded a shuttle flight at LaGuardia Airport (NY) to go to Washington, D.C.) After settling into the seat, I noticed that there were a large number of school kids. It turned out that they were going on a day field trip (from a swanky private school) I always remembered that the perverted thought flashed through my mind: " He wouldn't kill all these innocents just to get me!"

I don't think you are all alone with that thought Gerry. derf