Texas Chili Cook-off


Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Iowa. He stated after a few weeks of recovery: "Recently, I
was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original
person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when
the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans)
that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could
have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:



CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...


Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy s***, what is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope
that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.



CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.


Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.



CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s***-faced
from all of the beer.



CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-pound woman is starting to
look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can
no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.


CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices
and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I s*** on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow
cone.


CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment.

**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in
a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any
oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
in my stomach.


CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOE NAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot.

Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell
over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going
to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

I moved from Texas to Missouri and can honestly say the same for Missourians. My wife made a chili I thiought was just plain bland, and had to add a LOT more Tobasco and peppers. But my father-in-law was sitting there, red-faced with tears, saying how hot the chili was.

Please pass a 2nd helping of #3... this is the best

l'm away to a pals this weekend and l think the B*&^%$d has something like No# 7 lined up for me...


Dave.
....

That's how we do it down here in Texas!

Smoke-em,
Dude, you owe me a keyboard!!!
I saw this and spewed.
ROTFLMAO!!!

Not only do you owe me a keyboard but you also need to send me some cleaner for my monitor since you made no mention to not drink coffee while reading..

Remindes me of a man who sold Chili out of a broken down school bus not far from Garner State
Park. 2 types sold, scald ya and Kill ya. Sold Lone Star, iced down in a wash tub. Peppers in
wood boxes. Saw tough men cry.
Good old days

I doubt if I have ever in my life read anything so funny !!!

Okay. I literally cried while reading this. I love it and I live in Texas (though not a native). I'm sending this to some of my Texan friends.

Good stuff.