Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As
a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, but he instead
opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."

Snappy Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

Snappy Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads
low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and
he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a
police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the
truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The
truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

And finally, Snappy Answer #5

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a
death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion? "The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter
and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles
sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I
guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Ya know, I used to love Al Jaffe and his "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions" in Mad Magazine as a kid. Guess that's why I'm such a smart-ass now!

True story
I go to work tending bar one night, I'm in the back room. Woman who is coming off tells me "Theres a couple real assholes out there, good luck. So out I come and sure enough, this guy says "Are you the new bartender?" (I'm a guy and go 285) "Yep" "Damn! I was hoping for a blonde with a nice ass!" So I looked at him and said "Man,thats odd. I was just looking at you and thinking the exact same thing!"

Another true story :

One of my friends was drinking a beer at the bar, I decided to do the same with him. Before calling mine, I asked him : ''How can you drink this kind of beer, it tastes like horse piss !''
'' Don't know, he replied, never tried that...''

Another true story.

My father was at his favorite coffee shop and a young waitress spilled a cup of coffee on his lap. She was embarrassed and very apologetic. My father cleaned himself up and then calmly asked, "Miss, was that regular or decaf? She looked at him with a puzzled look and he said "I just want to know if it'll keep me up all night."

Patron at a bar was very rude to a number of waitresses. Owner confronts him with "there is a guy in the next bar that said you ain't got the brains of a chicken, but it's alright I stood up for you and insisted that you did !"

Young fellow working in produce at the supermarket is rearranging the heads of lettuce when a really big guy strolls up to him and says: Say son, could you cut one of those lettuce heads in half, I only want to buy a half-head. The young fellow is somewhat taken back by this request and says:"We only sell whole heads, see the sign plainly states 'Lettuce $1.25 per head'" The big guy repeats his request, speaking a little louder this time. The clerk repeats the statement that the lettuce could only be sold as whole heads. After the third go-around, the young fellow is getting pretty frustrated, so he says: "I'll go and ask the produce manager, but I think he is going to tell you the same thing I did!" He then walks through the door marked "staff only" and into the managers office. Then he says to his manager: "You won't believe this...there's this big ***hole out there and he wants to buy a half head of lettuce." Seeing a funny look on his boss's face, he turns around to find the big fellow right behind him, having followed him into the back. Quick as a wink, the young fellow says: "And this here gentlemen would like to buy the other half!!" Regards, Eagleye.

[ 06-19-2003, 09:47: Message edited by: Eagleye ]

Foreman to worker: "Can you give me a hand?"
Worker (soon to be ex) to foreman: "Take your hand out of your pants and you will have enough on your own!"

[ 06-19-2003, 15:51: Message edited by: 8MM OR MORE ]

A friend of mine was at his favorite watering hole several years ago trying to drown himself ans in walked this gal with a chip on her shoulder and plonked herself down at the table Norm was sitting at with a couple of friends. Now this lady(?) was a total stranger to all of them but I guess she took an immediate dislike to Norm and every time he tried to say something she would start cutting him down and badmouthing him. He set her up perfectly. He knew the loud music quite well and as she mouthed off to him once more,the band stopped and he rared back and said in a very loud voice "50 Bucks!". She left. derf

True story. I had this friend and coworker, that while a really nice guy, was about as crude an individual could be.
We were walking down market Street in San Francosco when this really good looking woman approached us. As she came up, Frank says, "Hi. My name is Frank. Do you fuck?" She came back with, "No. But my brother does. Bring your mother around."
I couldn't stop laughing for about five minutes, especially at the look on Frank's face. This happened back about 1958, and it still cracks me up.
Paul B.

A gorgous gal gets out of a stretch limo in New York City. She is wearing big diamonds and a very expensive fur coat. A PETA type gets in her face and shouts-Do you know how many animals had to die so you could wear that coat?!
She replied, Do you know how many animals I had to f@#k to wear this coat?