Puns For the Smiling Mind
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1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization..

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Simply brilliant!

Two cannibals were eating a clown.
One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

Same cannibals eating a different guy. One starts at the feet, the other at the head. One asks the other how it's going.
"I'm having a ball," he replied.
"Slow down, you're eating too fast."

The English language at it's very best

I wish you Americans would learn to swear like that.

Refinement, finesse, sharp and to the point like a hard hitting arrow, not F***, Motherf*****, S***, As***** and hmmm did i forget one?

I mean theres what over 600,000 words in the English language and using less than 10 of them swearing is not ok in my book, but then again i'm Danish

quote:

Originally posted by The Dane:
The English language at it's very best

I wish you Americans would learn to swear like that.

Refinement, finesse, sharp and to the point like a hard hitting arrow, not F***, Motherf*****, S***, As***** and hmmm did i forget one?

I mean theres what over 600,000 words in the English language and using less than 10 of them swearing is not ok in my book, but then again i'm Danish

On that subject.

Fuck
Perhaps one of the most interesting and versatile words in the English language is the word fuck. It is the only word which can describe pain, pleasure, hate, and love. Fuck falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an active verb (John really gives a fuck) or a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), and a noun (Mary is a fine fuck). It can be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful). It should be obvious now that there are not many words in the English language with the versatility of the word fuck. Here’s just some of the other ways in which this lovely word can be used:
• Insurance fraud: I got fucked by my agent.
• Happiness: I got fucked by my girlfriend.
• Dismay: Oh fuck it.
• Frustration: Fuck.
• Amazement: Well, fuck.
• Trouble: I guess I’m fucked now.
• Aggression: Fuck you.
• Passive: Fuck me.
• Anger: Fuck it.
• Confusion: What the fuck is going on?
• Difficulty: I can’t understand my fucking homework.
• Curiosity: What the fuck are you doing?
• Despair: Fucked again.
• Uncaring: Who gives a fuck?
• Religious: Holy fuck!
• Incompetence: He’s all fucked up.
• Laziness: He’s just fucking around.
• Rebellion: Fuck off.
• Romantic: Let’s fuck.
• Fear: Oh fuck.
• Displeasure: What the fuck is happening?
• It can be used in descriptive anatomy: He’s a fucking asshole.
• It can be used to suggest ideas: Go fuck a tree,
• It can be used to tell time: It’s fucking 5:30
• It can be used in business: How did I get this fucking job?
• It can have maternal connections: Motherfucker.
• It can be nautical: Fuck the admiral.
• It can be political: Fuck the President.
• It can be medical: Re-fucking-tarded.
• It can open the door to new relationships: Let’s fuck.
• It can enhance the meaning of a word: Beauti-fucking-ful.
• It can be used as a greeting: - How the fuck are you?
• It can display confusion: What the fuck?!;
• It can be used to express disgust: "Fuck me"
• It can be a philosophical statement - "Who gives a fuck?"
• It can be used in numerology : "Sixty-fuckin'-nine";
• It can be a navigational term: - "Where the fuck are we?"
• DISBELIEF - "Unfuckingbelievable
• RETALIATION - Up your fucking ass!"
• SATISFACTION – That’s fucking wonderful!PREDICTION - "Well, I'll be fucked!"
• A PUT DOWN - "Fuck off, buster!"
• ALL ENCOMPASSING - "Fuck 'em all!"
• AS AN ACCEPTANCE - "Fuckin' eh!"
• ENJOYMENT - "Fuckin' Wow!" "
Never forget the quotes of some famous people in our history and in the present:
• Michelangelo: "You want me to paint what on the fucking ceiling"
• George Custer: Where did all these Fucking indians come from?
• Einstein: "Any fucker can understand that"
• Mayor of Hiroshima: What the fuck was that?
• Heidi Fleuss: Fuck these celebrities!
• Mayor Richard Daley: Fuck the heat - - Chicago IL
• John Wayne: "Fuck death and the lung cancer he rode in on."
• Bill Clinton: What the fuck's this inhaling thing?
• Oliver North: You're all fucking liars!
• Sean PennFuck: Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, Fuck etc.
• Eddie Murphy: Fuck you, Fuck you, and Fuck you. Who's next?
• Jack Nicholas: Fuck this for a lark, 1995 British Open
And last but not least, the immortal words of the captain of the Titanic, who said "Full speed ahead and fuck the iceberg" and five minutes later said "Where is all this fucking water coming from?
The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the many creative uses of the word. How can anyone be offended when you say "FUCK"? Use fuck in your daily speech.