How to Give Your Cat a Pill


1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,
pop pill in mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paw.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat
vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to
buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases
from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible
from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil
and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste
away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold
water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and
check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to
disinfect. Toss another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to
neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour
2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly
while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if
they have any hamsters.


How to Give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

why would you give a cat a pill?

I like to give cats a little 17 gr. boat tail "pill" that has a little polymer tip.

thanks, i needed that laugh... that reminds me of helping my girlfriends cat "escape" while her daughter was away visiting neighbors.....