Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to
myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian
Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest
woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister,
and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people
only once a year. -Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may
die of a misprint. - Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir
...mighty scarce. - Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a
philosopher. - Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked
for a jury. - Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she
stops to breathe.- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his
diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass
all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a
living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery,
people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does
bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you
money. - Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be
dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was
shut up. - Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a
little later in life. -Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until
noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down
if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you
grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty...
but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -
Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good
spit it out. - Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his
step, he's too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal

Most excellent!!

Whacking crats and fattening gators does give one a keener outlook on life.

quote:

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does
bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan

quote:

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a
little later in life. -Herbert Henry Asquith

So true.