This here story is called Keroishka in the Spring. I hope you like it 'cause I was thinkin' about sendin' it to that military magazine they keep givin' out when we're out in the field. It's sorta like a Hollywood glossy, but instead of movie stars, it's grinnin' generals gettin' their pictures took.

Anyway, I was in the army. That sucked because I never would have gone to Keroishka if I was in the navy. Just my luck that some general decided to send us there.

Now, I know what yer thinking. Generals don't send troops anywhere. That would be the politicians. Well, you'd be wrong about that. My best buddy in the regiment, Poodle Johnson, he told me that them generals are always looking to find themselves a cushier job than the one that they got. They figure when their army days is through, that they should be a corporate entity or a chairman or something. Trouble is, most of them don't know enough about anything to be good at being a boss. At least, that's what Poodle says. And heck, I believe him. He's smart.

So anyway, me, Poodle and Squint was doin' the patrol thing through what was left of Keroishka. That would be after them freedom fighters got through blowing things up and setting fire to stuff that they said they wanted to keep. Strange eh?

Yer probably wonderin' about Poodle and Squint. Poodle, he got that name from wearin' bright white runnin' shoes instead of boots. The Sargeant yelled at him to get rid of them and put boots back on.
"You look stupid! Like some kind of French Poodle!" So Poodle said, "But Sarge, them boots pinch my feet! Can I wear slippers instead?"
The Sarge just gave him one of them NCO looks and said, "NO!!!" He's an okay guy, but real military. Poodle ditched the runners but kept the name.

Squint got his name 'cause of the time the RSM told him he had a face that would stop a train. The RSM was wrong, the train kept goin'.

Back to my story. Poodle's got to take a whiz. Like that's anything strange, what with the food they give us. Anyways, he stops beside what's left of this house and begins to relieve his kidneys. Well, this old dog comes runnin' out from behind the bricks and darned if it didn't take a nip out of old Poodle! Me and Squint, we was laughing so hard that we didn't see what direction that dog took off for. Poodle's screaming blue murder about stoppin' the dog and retrievin' his "thing", what the mutt had bit off.

What's a guy to do? Squint said that even if we find the dog, wouldn't it be a good bet that Poodle's "thing" woulda been swallowed? I mean, there are some things a guy will do for his buddy, but rootin' around for his private parts, well, that ain't one of 'em.

"Darnit Squint! I'll gut the dog myself! Just find it!"

So, while Poodle kinda stood there, hoppin' around from one foot to the other grippin' his crotch, we went lookin'. I guess that we was gone about five minutes when I seen it, lookin' at us from behind a bush. I told Squint that it was easier to just shoot it, but he said no, the noise would bring other guys from the regiment. They'd ask what was goin' on and we'd have to tell them about Poodle, his "thing" and the dead dog.

I reached in my pocket and pulled out a Hot Rod. If you never seen one, they're supposed to be a processed meat snack, sorta like a small sausage wrapped in a plastic tube. Anyway, I opened it up and shook it at the mutt. I guess he was hungry 'cause he came runnin' at me for to get it.

This is where the story gets weird. Squint, he's standin' there with a big stick, ready to whack the dog over the head when it gets close enough. The mutt grabbed the treat and started to run, but stopped. He began coughin' and shakin' his head. I thought it was crazy! Just about that time, Poodle, he comes walkin' over toward the noise and goin's on. Talk about your perfect timing! That stupid critter starts heavin' up his guts and howlin' to beat Jesus. He deposited everything that he'd ett right there on the round in front of Poodle. The contents included one slightly abused "thing".

Poodle grabbed his weewee and started off towards the medical tent. Me and Squint followed along behind, content to be there for moral support... and to watch the reactions when they asked what happened!

Safe Shooting!
Steve Redgwell
303british.com