MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU



Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please
select from the following options menu:

If you
are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you
are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you
have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you
are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can
trace your call.

If you
are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you
are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which
number to press.

If you
are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will
make you happy anyway.


If you
are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you
are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after
the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you
have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press
9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you
have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with
you.

If you
are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won't be crazy forever.

If you
are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.