Subject: Dear Diary
I believe it was General Sherman who said “If I owned all of Hell and half of Texas, I’d sell Texas and live in Hell.”
June 13th:

Just moved to Texas ! Now this is a state that knows how to
live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!
It is beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th:

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an
air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.

What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m
turning into a sun worshipper.

June 30th:

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots
of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing
the lawn for me.

Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:

The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do
people get used to this kind of heat?

At least, it’s kind of windy though. But getting used to the
heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:

Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns
over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do.

I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a
climate like this.

July 20th:

I missed Lomita (my cat) sneaking into the car when I left
this morning. By the time I got to the hot car at noon, Lomita
had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then
popped like a water balloon.

The car now smells like Kibbles and Shits.

I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

Good ol’ Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th:

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!!

And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the
fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell
me he needed to order parts.

July 30th:

Been sleeping outside on the patio for 3 nights now,
$225,000 house and I can’t even go inside. Lomita is the lucky one.
Why did I ever come here?

Aug. 4th:

It’s 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today.
It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I hate
this stupid state.

Aug. 8th:

If another wise ass cracks, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m
going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work,
the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I
smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when
sat on the seats in the car, I thought my ass was on fire.

My skin melted to the seat. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all
the hair on the back of my legs and ass . . . Now my car smells
like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug 10th:

The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot
and sunny.

Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot to do Shit
for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up
next week.

Doesn’t it ever rain in this damn state? Water rationing
will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over.

Even the cactus can’t live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:

Welcome to HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead.

Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out
of the car. The installer came to fix it and guess what he
asked me??? “Hot enough for you today?”

My brother had to spend $1,500 to bail me out of jail.
Freaking Texas .

What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here??

I'm starting to think the same way!

Here in San Angelo, we've had 25 days of 100+ temps, and it's only mid July!

As my grandfather once said: "...Texas, in the summer, is hotter than two rats fucking in a 100% wool sock...".

If he would move to the Salt River Valley, or anywhere south of that, in Arizona, he'd be able to warm up. I have seen it over 120 there in APRIL many times. Remember one time when I was a kid in grammar school when it hit 126 and the school closed because in those days we didn't have air conditioning and it was really getting to the teachers. All us little kids didn't know any different...typical Spring for us. So we were out in the school yard playing "dodge-ball" until the Asst. Principal came out, took the ball, and made us leave to go home. We kids were really disappointed...we were rooting for it to hit 130. (Actually, we didn't go home, just went down the street to the vacant lot next to my folk's house and played softball instead.)

At least in those days it wasn't so humid though. Now that all the easterners have moved in, planted lawns, built swimming pools at almost every house in Scottdale, and have golf courses and man-made lakes everywhere, it is also humid....especially when the monsoon starts in about mid-July.

Phoenix C of C of course denies such temps or just plain ignores them...don't want to hurt the tourist and real estate industries, y'know.

Remember, Butch moved from Minnesota. This week I think we hit a high of 55 F. This morning it was 38 F. I had a wool cap and quilted shirt on most of the day. The wife wanted the furnace on, but a wood fire brought the house up to 64, nice sleeping temp. I don't think we have had a day over 75 yet this year!

Roger

It's still cool here in nv, high 90's low 100's, but she will warm up soon.

Reminds me of another old Texas story...a west-of-the-Pecos gent died and was at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter says "From Texas, huh? You've probably suffered enough then, so we'll just skip all the red tape and let you in...anybody crazy enough to live there may have done all kinds of weird, amoral, things, but we understand its just the weather as does it to y'all." (St. Peter is from the South, guys.)

The Tejano, somewhat miffed at the allusions cast at his fair (righto, just fair) state. says, "Pete...don'tcha git off to bad-moufin' Texas. It could be a great state...all it needs are water and good people."

St. Peter dryly responded, "Yeah, that's all Hell needs too...."

My son e-mailed me last week says it has averaged 126 for the last two weeks, he's just south of baghdad