A horse walks into a bar,
The bartnder says... "Why the long face"

--------------------------------------------

A bear walks into a bar,
And says... " I'd like a....
....
....
....
....
beer"
The bartender says "What with the big pause"

---------------------------------------------

A puppy limps into a bar and says,
"I'm lookin' for the man that shot my Pa"

------------------------------------------

And last...

A baby harp seal walks into a club...

Bedum bum, Chi!

Tip your waitresses folks, I'll be here all week!

There have to be a zillion of these.... I'd like to see them all!

A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "does this taste funny?"

1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. A man complains, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That's the Tom Jones Syndrome," explains the doc. "Is it common?" asks the man. "It's Not Unusual," says the doc.

9. Two cows are standing in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either.

11. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do?" "Let's have a look at him." says the vet. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" asks the man. "No, because he's really heavy," says the vet.

A woman went to France on a wine-tasting vacation.
Unfortunately, while in the capital city, she drank too much, fell from her hotel window and ended up in a body cast.
When she got home, she swore never to get plastered in Paris again.

I was visiting France, and while in Paris I decided to take a guided tour around the beautiful cathedral on the banks of the Seine. As we were being shown around the building, all of a sudden I spotted a sandwich box lying on the floor.
So I picked it up, and handed it to the guide. He was very apologetic, and hurried off with it. After a few minutes, I could hear him calling up the bell tower:
"Quazimodo! You left your sandwich box lying around again!"
When the guide returned, he apologised again, and when we asked him about the sandwiches, he said: "Don't worry about it... it's just the Lunchpack of Notredame."

A botanist had just returned from an expedition to the South Pacific Islands and was dicussing their adventures with their colleagues back at the university where they taught.
"What was the most exciting discovery you found there?", asked a fellow professor.
One of them replied, "The people native to this one island had discovered the most amazing cure for constipation. Using only the leafs of the local palm trees they concocted a suppository which quickly cured the ailment."
Another professor asked, "A palm leaf suppository? Did it really work?"
Replied the botanist, "With fronds like these...who needs enemas."

*********************

Job History

a. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

b. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

c. after that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it
... mainly because it was a so-so job.

d. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

e. Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.

f. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

g. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory--I tried but I just didn't fit in.

h. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

i. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work way just too draining.

j. I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

k. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

l. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

m. For a while was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

n. My last job was as a baker because I kneaded the dough.

o. So, then I retired ... and found out I was perfect for the job!

**************

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Another seal walks into a bar.

Barman... "what can l get you?"

Seal..."anything but Canadian Club"

Lifted from the Washington Post contest for wacky definitions:

1 Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8 Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a
steamroller
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam
12. Rectitude (n), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles her conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The
belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

One day a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. He goes up to the bartender and says, "Yar, Give me something to drink."

While the bartender is pouring the drink, he looks at the pirate and notices the steering wheel.

"Hey buddy, you know you have a steering wheel hanging out of your pants?"

The pirate looks at the bartender and says, "Yar, and it's driving me nuts!"

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a man with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Deja Moo: The feeling you've heard this bullshit before

Vincent Van Gogh Family Tree

His dizzy aunt ----------------------Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes ------------ Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store -Stop n Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia --------- U Gogh

The brother who bleached his clothes white ---- Hue Gogh

The cousin from Illinois --------------- Chica Gogh

His magician uncle ------------- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin ------------------ Amee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach ---- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle ---------------- Cant Gogh

The ballroom-dancing aunt -------------- Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -------------------Flamin Gogh

His nephew psychoanalyst ----------------- E Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin --------------- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking -- Way to Gogh

The little bouncy nephew --------------Poe Gogh

A sister who loved disco --------------- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in a van--- Winnie-Bay Gogh

Well, there ya Gogh........