All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
safety lecture and announce-ments a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when
a flight attendant announced, People, people we're not picking out furniture
here, find a seat and get in it!

2. On a Continental Flight with a very senior flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.

3. On landing, the stewardess said, Please be sure to take all of
your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have.

4. There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4
ways out of this airplane

5. Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. WHOA!

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in
Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, Please take
care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted.

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into
the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised.

9. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small
child, pick your favorite.

10. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.

11. Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event
of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments.

12. As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in
Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it
wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the
flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt.

15. Overheard on an American flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant said, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
of our airplane to the gate!

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect
landing: We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us
to the terminal.

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a Thanks for flying our airline. He said that,
in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in
the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone
had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
Sir do you mind if I ask you a question? Why, no, Ma'am, said the pilot.
What is it? The little old lady said, Did we land, or were we shot down?

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came
on with, Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced,
we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the
terminal.

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we
hope you'll think of US Airways.

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. Ladies and gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if
you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em.

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and, therefore, we should have a very smooth flight. Now sit back
and relax... OH, MY GOD! ----- Silence -----followed, and after a few
minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, Ladies and
Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to
you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my
lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach yelled,
That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!

This one, on the way into Balad airfield during OIF. ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seatbelts, we will shortly be descending into Balad airfield. The weather outside is a balmy 98 deg, with scattered clouds and occasional SAMs and small arms fire.

I spent the rest of the tac flying approach (bouncing around all over the sky, for those of you who haven't had the pleasure), alternately laughing my arse off, and throwing up.

Cheers, Dave.

I asked the captain if we were shot down or landed and got a look for the ages. He did a very good job in bad weather and I was less than proper!!!