>George Carlin's Rules for 2006

> _____

>

>New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's

>reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't

>particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the

>football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

>

>New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless

>you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was

>found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What

>did you expect it to contain? Trout?

>

>New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,

>blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description

>for these kids: lucky bastards.

>

>New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,

>you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If

>you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

>

>New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care

>about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

>

>New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole

>aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery

>taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want

>flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your

>flavored water.

>

>New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a

>redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top

>is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,

>his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved

>the Social Security crisis.

>

>New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the

>asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande

>half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread

>cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one

>NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

>

>New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my

>card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,

>deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the

>kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my

>Almond Joy.

>

>New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't

>make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it

>actually translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did

>anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.

>You're not spiritual. You're just high.

>

>New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven

>deadly sins. ESPN recently Televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,

>because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned

>exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already

>doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

>

>New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,

>I'll go nuts and eat two.

>

>New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy,

>old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a

>remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's

>remember the reason something was a television show in the first place

>is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

>

>New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for

>weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.

>Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you

>isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

>

>New Rule (and this one is long overdue): No more bathroom attendants!

>After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just

>had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be

>there, or just some freak with a fetish. Don't want to be on your

>webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.

>

>New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in

>months. Not "27 months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a

>cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

Carlin is one funny guy!