Seamus was a good man, and faithfully attended the local Catholic church all his life. One day, Seamus' dog which he considered as part of his family died, and Seamus went down to the priest to see if he could get the church to bury his dog.

He walked up to the priest, Father Sullivan and asked him.

"Father Sullivan," he began, "I'd like to ask you a favor, sir. My dog died earlier this morning and I dearly loved the poor lad. Would it be possible to give him a proper Catholic burial by the good Church here?"

Father Sullivan replied, "Seamus, that's just out of the question. You know we can't bury an animal here. It's just not right before God for the Catholic church to do such a thing as that. Perhaps you could try the Protestant church across town - I hear they do such things from time to time."

"Well, all right father," Seamus replied, "I'll go there straight-away and ask them. But let me ask you this one last thing. In your opinion, do you think a donation to the church of $25,000 would be enough to cover the trouble and expenses for putting on the funeral?"

"Seamus you bloomin' idiot - why'd you not tell me from the start that your dog was Catholic!"

Edited ...

I noticed there was an actual poster on the site by the tag of the original name on the above joke, and I just wanted to make sure there was no confusion or otherwise mention of another actual poster/member. Certainly none was meant or implied.

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.So, the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face, but eventually managed to reach his front step. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up.This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!"

Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,"What makes you say that?"

"The pub just called....you forgot your wheelchair again."

Sister Mary O'Hara lived in a convent, a block away from Mick's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary O'Hara and she said, "Oh Mick, give me a pint o' the Irish."

"Sister Mary O'Hara," exclaimed Mick, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Mick," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So, Mick sold her the brandy.

Later that night Mick closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary O'Hara; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Mick pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary O'Hara! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary O'Hara didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money; between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all'.

Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!' Murphy replied, with a smile

"Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks.

Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o'this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband Tom died last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible, I'm so sorry for you dear. But tell me, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She replies, "He said, 'Please Mary, for the love of God, put the gun down!' ...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.

"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."

"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."

"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."