So this Irishman walks out of a bar...

Don't laugh, it could happen.

St. Patrick's Day is an excuse for the rest of the world to party and fight and get drunk.

To the Irish, its just Sunday.

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy.

The curator of the gallery realized that the couple were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willy also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted the picture," he replied. "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the chit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says, 'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

Bagpipes-(noun)-I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig.
-Alfred Hitchcock

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How can you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. What's the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]

Q. What's the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don't return it.

Q. What's the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn't.

Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. What did the bagpiper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.

Q. Why are bagpipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.

Q. Why do bagpipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q. What does a bagpiper wear under his kilt?
A. Shoes and socks.

Q. Why do they call it a "kilt"?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the bagpipe player's Porsche.

Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Q. What's the difference between a bagpiper and a frog?
A. The frog might be getting a gig.

"Ya'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.

In Glasgow, there's a little bar called Mc Tavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy the third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhhh, that's nuthin'," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment ya set foot in the place they buy ya a drink, then another, all the drinks ya like. Then when ya've had enough drinks they'll take ya upstairs and see that ya get laid, and it's all on the house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true. "Well," said the Englishman, "did
this actually happen to you?"

"Not me, meself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to me sister."

That's some funny stuff!

It's that time of year.