My Colonoscopy Journal:

I called my Doctor, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, he showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis and back to Nevada.

Then he explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left his office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, and then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes like a spoiled batch of Gatorade...and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon (can't stand Gatorade since...the sound of it has me running for the nearest john).
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently with force of a shotgun blast. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep squirts. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on the doctor or nurse?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but she was very good, and I was already lying down. She also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, She wheeled me into the procedure room, where the doctor was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew they had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
They had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to the crowd that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' They said, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
The Doctor was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when he told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'

And the VERY best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Good to hear that one again.Also for the knowledge to put vodka in your mix;once you are strapped down to the throne that bit would help;besides tomorrow you won't be driving anyway,right? Helpful handy man tip #23.

The above is why cologuard is selling like hotcakes at a charity breakfast.

Having had no less than 13 colonoscopies and one colon resection myself, that account is pretty accurate. When I found out that coffee was considered a clear liquid, I asked if the same was true of Diet Coke (my personal demon). When I found that it was, at least by this doctor, I opted for the Visicol tablets that did not influence the taste of the ever beloved Diet Coke.

I have used most of those lines on my doctor along with:

"Do my tonsils look the same from that side?"
"Can you tell my wife that the only asshole here is the one you probed?"
"If you let the nurse do this, I would come in more."
"Do you come here often?"

My wife says I have an excess of personality.

Propofol good.
Depends good.
Gatorade nasty.
Farting encouraged.
Depends GOOD!
Camera better than pipe.
"All clear" very good.
Jeff Foxworthy and Bill Engvall YouTube accounts wonderful!

Like I asked the nurse at my colonoscopy:

"Aren't you going to buy me dinner first?"

She said, "Just get undressed and put this robe on"

I replied, "You make me feel so cheap."

7 years ago I had to go into surgery. Knowing I would be waiting I brought my book on Nelson at Trafalger.Well when the anasthiest (sp) had me hooked up with the IV tubes he starts asking me about the battle of Trafalger.Being some what under I was not thinking too clear so I start to tell him about the battle then a light goes on in the fog (not much though) because I told him "Why you godamned son of a bitch,you only wanted to see my reactions,you did'nt give a fuck about the battle.Drugs can be a terrible thing.

And I believe you! (Tried to get mine to speak in that wonderful German accent Pamela's nurse used.)

As a veteran of many colonoscopies--I quit counting after a dozen--I can speak with credibility on this topic. Movi Prep is the EASY way to clean out. Try drinking 4 liters of Golytely......

Propophol is actually quite boring. You just fall asleep and then wake up. The drug cocktail they used to give was much more entertaining. You got a full body buzz when it hit, and you were very slow to regain awareness. I remember one time gaining awareness mid sentence in a conversation with a nice young Airmen med tech. I have no idea what we talked about and all I remember her is saying "it was nice talking to you sir." At that time I was stationed at Yokota AB and overseas bases are a small community. If I had ran into her in the BX or Commissary I wouldn't have recognized her at all....

Unfortunately, I have been awake for all of mine. Anesthesia, with the usual mix, gives me progressive hearing loss. After losing 80% the ENT specialist found out that was causing the loss. So now I just get some anti-anxiety med and a light sedative. Believe me, the alternative of potentially having a bag makes it a lot easier to tolerate.

Unfortunately, as it happens, I just got my notice that it is that time again.

When I went in for my first one I did not know what to expect. After taking off my clothes and putting on the gown they took me in to this room with all sorts of machines. The nurse took my vital signs and said your blood pressure and heart rate is high.
I looked at her and said, I am in an ice cold room surrounded my machines and tubes, naked but for a thin cloth covering surrounded by women I don't know that are going to put me to sleep and stick things in places I don't normally stick things and you think my BP and heart rate is high wonder why

When I went in for my vascetomy years ago the only bit of minor pain was when he came up with GIANT needle to numb the codsack.The whole time I was looking for common interests with the guy.You like rap music,me too;you vote democrat,me too,etc.I was on beyond polite when he had his razor with the boys.I would have lied about ANYTHING.

I've only had one butt reaming back in Feb '12. Doc said I had the cleanest smoothest colon he'd ever seen. Yet I still had the shits most of the year. Until a neighbor came to check on me and I hadn't been able to get out of bed to shit for three days.

He took me to the ER Nov 10th. I passed out from the car to the check in desk and woke up 21 days later WITH THE BAG! Two more weeks in the hosp, they shipped me to a nursing home for 9 more weeks.

When they finally let me come home I couldn't get well for 8 months and had to go thru another gutting. Plus, afterward Doc said: "the tissue around your a/h was infected so I cut that out and sewed you up, with that bag you don't need it anyway". The best news was last Thursday when he said: "you're cured, you don't need to see me again". What a relief that was to hear.

I'll tell you guys what, this damned bag is no fun! It'll come off while sleeping at times and/or driving, or just sitting reading or eating too. It's always 'fun' to realize your lap is full of shit from a leaking bag, or one that just flat came off.

Be grateful you don't get to share in the fun.
AND don't get where you believe what the butt reamer has to say either.

George

GODDAMN George;I am sorry to hear all that. I'll put you in the prayer list.

If you think a colonoscopy is bad, try getting your urethra enlarged without the benefit of anesthesia.

Back in the mid 70's, I was having difficulty emptying my bladder (turned out to be my allergy medicine). They now perform this procedure under general anesthesia:

I was strapped into the contraption that gynocologists use to examine women. The nurse gave me a valium, and the doctor came in and took a hypodermic needle full of novocaine and inserted it into my penis.

do I have your attention yet?

He then pulled out a longer copper tube with a small surgical blade on one hand, and a handle to crank it on the other. 100% true.

He inserted a slighter larger copper tube up my penis, and then put the smaller tube inside it. When it was fully up my Johnson, he started to turn the handle a couple of turns.

At this point I was hyperventilating and screaming at him to get it out of me. The nurse asked me "What's wrong?"

When he was done, he put a small tray on the floor and asked me to pee in it. It felt like I was pissing razor blades. When I was done, the doctor said "If that doesn't feel normal yet, we can do it again."

I got dressed and ran out of there as fast as I could.

Had my vascectomy several years ago + when my son was considering his I told him about the operation. It did'nt hurt;however the long needle in the cod sack w/ the novocaine was no fun.He opted out.

I just had my leventy 9th a couple of weeks ago at the St.Louis VA hospital. Very nice people. the male nurse Jason told me how to put the gown on, and said don't come out here looking like superman. laid on a gurney and the anesthesiologist, who's name was Jason stuck a needle in my hand an said you won't be out completely and may not remember much. Good. After having Crohn's Disease for 50 yrs and only 13 inch. of large intestine left I don't need the details. They rolled me into the examine room and introduced me to the doc, who's name was Jason. In a minute I was back awake and looking for my wife to get me out of here, wasn't there a horror movie with a Jason in it? Turns out the crohn's is back and there will be more of these in my future.

Sorry to hear that John;I wish you health + a speedy recovery.Best wishes,Randy