"There is nothing lower in the human race...except for the French." - Mark Twain

"French history: They turn on their friends and surrender to their enemies!" - Winston Churchill

Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France? Because she has only one arm raised.

Q: How do you get a French waiter's attention?
A: Start ordering in German

Q. How do you stop a French tank?
A. Say "boo"

How do you separate the men from the boys in France? With a crowbar.

Hey ! Do you know what's the difference between a Frenchman and a chimpansee ? - One of them is hairy, stinky, and scratches his ass all the time. The other is a chimpansee.

Why do the french get more votes in the U.N. They vote with both hands

Q. What is the difference between a frenchwoman and a basketball team?
A. The basketball team showers after 4 periods

Q. How many jokes are there about the French?
A. One, the rest are true

What is the french peoples favorite movie? the running man

Q.What is the first thing the French teach their kids in school?
A.How to say "We Surrender" in German!

Q. Why don't cheesburgers sell well in France
A. Because they don't smell like crap.

When is it white laundry day in France? Never, any white laundry in france is already hung up on a stick being waved

Q. How do you confuse a French Soldier?
A. Give him a rifle and ask him to shoot it

Q. Whats the difference between a frenchmen and a bucket of shit?
A. The bucket

What do you call a french man killed defending his country? ... I don't know either, its never happened!

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous Frenchmen? People were confused about which side to spit on

Q. What does a French military alliance and a French romance have in common?
A. Both are brief, sordid, and completely meaningless.

Q. What's the difference between a Frenchman and a catfish?
A. One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish

The French have only one actual fighting war hero, Joan of Arc, and they turned her over to the enemy!

Question: What English word has no equivalent in the French language?
Answer: Gratitude

Q. Since everyone knows that French men are gay, how come there are French children?
A. Because of the confusion caused by the fact that French women have mustaches!!

Q. Do you know why so many Europeans Immigrated to North America? A. To get as far away from the French as possible

What's the shortest book ever written? French War Heroes.

As read this on the back of a public restroom door. "Here I sit with my buns a'clenchin, giving birth to another Frenchman.

Q. What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
A. How to surrender in at least 10 languages.

Q. What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A. A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.

Why does Nike like the French Army?
Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes

Q. Why do the French Smell?
A. So blind people can hate them too!

Q. Why do the french call their fighter the *Mirage*?
A. Because it doesn't really exist.


Going to war without the French on your side is like going hunting without an accordian

A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"? His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"

Why is good to be french? You can surender at the begining of the war, and the USA will win it for you.

Q. How many Frenchmen died in World War II????
A. Not Enough.


Why do we need France on our side against ISIS? So the French can show them how to surrender.


Q. How many frenchman does it take to gaurd Paris?
A. Nobody knows, its never been tried before

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up? The Army.

Q.How do you castrate a frenchmen???
A.Kick his sister in the jaw.

Why do frenchmen always were yellow tyes?
A. to match the teeth

Whats the best place to hide your money?
A. under the soap of a frenchman

Q. how can you tell if a frechmen has been in your backyard?
A. your garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant!

Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney? Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender


Q. What do you do if you drive over a French man?
A. REVERSE!

Did you hear about the Frenchman who lost his licence to practice medicin? He was caught having sex with some of his patients. It's a shame, he was the only vet in town.

What do you get if you see a Frenchman up to his neck in sand? Get more sand

Q. How long does it take a french woman to have a poo?
A. 9 months

Why wasn't Jesus born in france? Because they couldn't find three wise men or a virgin.

Q. How do you brainwash a Frenchman?
A. Fill up his boots with water

Q. Why do the French cook with lots of garlic?
A. To improve their breath.

Q. Wy didn't the French want to bomb Saddam Hussein?
A. He hates America, he loves mistresses and he wears a beret. He is French

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

Q. Why do the French use a lot of bleach on their sheets?
A. So you can see their white flags better.

The French are to warfare what the British are to cooking

You really do have to hand it to the French...After all, they won't fight for it.

Q. What happens when a Frenchman doesn't pay his garbage bill?
A. They stop delivering.

Q. How do you ruin a French party?
A. Flush the punch bowl.


Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. All of them: One to screw the bulb in, the rest to brag about how great the French are at screwing.

Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. It doesn't matter; if you're depending on the French to do the job, your screwed

Q. How do you break a Frenchman's finger?
A. Hit him on the nose.

Q. How do you get a Frenchman out of a bath tub?
A. Throw in a bar of soap.

Q. How do you keep a Frenchman in suspense?


Q. What did France used to be called?
A. Germany, and then we saved them.

Q. Why did the French plant trees along the Champs Elysees?
A. So the Germans could march in the shade.

Q. What do you call a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other?
A. A bisexual.


Q.The American military wears combat boots. What does the French military wear?
A. Track shoes.


Q. Did you hear bout the French Kamikaze?
A. He flew 30 successful missions.

A French firing squad stands in a circle, then surrenders.

Q. Why did the French agree to build the channel tunnel?
A. To make it easier to escape to England when the Germans come again

Next time there's a war in Europe, the loser has to keep France

Q. why are the French afraid of soap?
A1: because if they drop it the Germans will fuck them again
A2: they have never seen it before

Q. Why are the French so afraid of war?
A. You would be too if you never won one in your history


"I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq
Q. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

A French and American general were surveying a battlefield. A bullet strikes the American general, grazing his arm. He shouts "Aide! Bring me my red jacket!" The French general asks "Why did you do that?" The American general responds "So my men don't see that I'm bleeding, and lose hope." A second bullet narrowly misses the French general's ear, and he shouts: "Aide! Bring me my brown trousers!"



Q. How do you sink an American battleship?
A. Have the French build it.

NEWS FLASH: The French Open tennis tournament had to be cancelled. France has plenty of rackets, but no balls.

Q. Why do Doctors like to operate on the French?
A. Because they have no guts and their heads and asses are interchangeable.

The Tour de France is so popular with the French because it's the one sport where you don't need balls.

Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French?
A. I give up.

Q. Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts?
A. They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks...they are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.

Q. Where are the brave French soldiers buried?
A. There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil.

A military force can never be better than it's leader's - the few member's of the French AF and Army that I've worked with were quality troops but they were company grade officer's and senion NCOs and even they complained about their political leadership.

The French military and police seemed to have kicked some serious ass recently. I think we should be proud to have them as allies, I only hope they will still claim us with this weak sister in the White House.

If we don't correct that and soon, we will be the brunt of these sorts of jokes.

Considering that in WWI alone, the French lost twice as many men as we have in ALL the US wars, etc. I would suggest that their perspective might be different than ours. Among other things, the French were greatly impugned in the US for their stance on our invasion of Iraq. They were 100% right and we were somewhere between 95 and 100% wrong.

quote:

Originally posted by Gatogordo:
Considering that in WWI alone, the French lost twice as many men as we have in ALL the US wars, etc. I would suggest that their perspective might be different than ours. Among other things, the French were greatly impugned in the US for their stance on our invasion of Iraq. They were 100% right and we were somewhere between 95 and 100% wrong.

Doesn't mean we can't have a little fun with them. Yanks would be singing God save the Queen if it wasn't for them.

Grizz