(Americans who have never heard an Aussie accent may fail to appreciate this joke. It so happens that I, an Irishman, find myself in rare agreement with the English - who steadfastly maintain that the Aussies don't speak English at all)

An American is driving across Australia when he is knocked unconscious in an automobile accident. He is taken to a local hospital.

Upon reviving, the American (still somewhat dazed) asks: " Was I brought here to die?"

The nurse replies:" No, they brought you in yesterday".

That's only because you yanks have such hard-to-understand accents!

This joke takes me back to a deployment (which never happened, we were never there, you cannot prove anything!), with some USMC types. We had been chatting for a while, as you do to kill time while waiting to emplane, when one of the Marines said to my driver "you guys speak english real good, now say something in australian for us." "Ok", says the driver, "what do you want to hear?" "Aw, anything'll do." was the reply. "Ok then" she says "Get fucked you idiot! How was that, australian enough for you, dickhead?"

I seem to recall that the Marines teammates gave him shit about that for the rest of the deployment.

Ah well.

Dave:

(I posted the smiley not entirely because of the joke itself)

Come now Gerry...USA one country with 50 different dialects (and that's just from the so called english speaking inhabitants) shame on you gigging us poor Aussies

billsleg:

Before I get to the real point of my reply, let me say that this Yank is not fooled by your reference to "us poor Aussies". It has the distinct sound of a couple of Bengal tigers referring to themselves as "us poor tigers".

Now, to deal with your insulting reference to a simple fact. Americans use the Queen's English differently than the Aussies. (migod! Did, I, an Irishman, just say the "Queen's English" respectfully?) We have our own quaint (to use an Englishman's word I heard once) way of trying to speak the Queen's English. ( I did it again! Stop me before I turn into an English subject!) The Aussies have invented a whole new language altogether. (I am a veteran of surfing Aussie joke websites where the whole joke from beginning to end was incomprehensible because of Aussie slang)

You don't even know how far gone you are! What the hell does "gigging" mean?

quote:

Originally posted by billsleg:
Come now Gerry...USA one country with 50 different dialects (and that's just from the so called english speaking inhabitants) shame on you gigging us poor Aussies

A question, please. I knew some Aussies a while back and no, you can't prove a thing - it was not us!
But seriously, they spoke of some of the most God-awful named places I never heard of! I have threatened to fly down just to see if such places as Gundagai and Yarrawonga really exist! Can any one of you confirm or deny such?

TrapperP:

This old man feels comforted that an Aussie (Sambar9.3) denies any knowledge of operations with US Marines -and now I read that a Reb (a backbone of our services) denies that he ever knew any Aussie and says -just like Sambar9.3 - "you can't prove a thing -it was not us!" Good luck to you both! (I mean that)

Yes indeed Trapper, those places do exist. Along with names such as 'Kickatinalong', 'Hells Gate' (lovely weather there), 'Mataranka', 'Eumungerie' and 'Boggabilla'.
Some of the funnier ones, 'Duneedoo', 'Mt Buggery', 'Woori Yallock', the aptly named 'Town of 1770'.
'Adelaide' which was named for the Queen of the day, and 'Sydney' which was also named for a Queen (but his family hushed it up!).

Gerry, those are the best Ops. The ones where the surviving bad guys look around and say "What the fuck happened here?".
Not that anyone would actually do anything like that.

quote:

Originally posted by billsleg:
Come now Gerry...USA one country with 50 different dialects (and that's just from the so called english speaking inhabitants) shame on you gigging us poor Aussies

And that's just NYC and NJ.

Many years ago I was told by an Aussie that they talk funny because they have to clench their teeth to keep out the flies and close their lips to keep out the sand !!!!

Mete, your informant is not far off the mark, with my work I have the pleasure of going to remote outback regions of North Queensland I can assure you that during bush fly season you quickly learn to keep your gob shut unless you want to swallow lots of the little winged bastards.

One of the funniest things that I have seen was when I was travelling to a remote mine site Nth West of Cloncurry along with our new HSE manager fresh out of Scotland, he was wanting to conduct an assessment of remote travel risks, after many miles of listening to him bitch and moan about the dust, rough road, heat & just about anything else in Aus that was different to his beloved homeland, the man asked me to pull over so he could go for a desperately needed crap behind a tree now if I had been a gentleman (as Gerry 375 has pointed out I'm probably not) I could have warned the poor sod to hold it in, anyway, he takes a roll off paper goes to the tree and does his business you might have guessed by now that bush flies are attracted to fresh manure by the thousands funniest thing I've seen in a while is this fellow running around in absolute panic, pants around his knees with a 6 foot of white tail flying behind him and his white arse black with his new found friends.
So remember if you ever travel to our outback take a dump at night much safer!!!

quote:

Originally posted by mete:
Many years ago I was told by an Aussie that they talk funny because they have to clench their teeth to keep out the flies and close their lips to keep out the sand !!!!

Billsleg:

I read your last post with considerable interest. I just want to one thing straight. Are you or are you not an undercover agent for New Zealand tourism?.

Sambar 9.3 (Dave)

A British helicopter crashed in southern Iraq yesterday, killing all four men aboard.. A mob of over 250 people (according to AP dispatches) congregated and cheered at the sight of smoke rising from the crash. They also burned three British armored vehicles. British troops fired over their heads to disperse the mob but also had to engage in a fire fight with Shiite militia. ( They got two of the bad guys, at least)

Tell me again why one more drop of American, British or Aussie blood should be shed for such people? ( Just sounding off)

Gerry

I was trying to send a private message to Sambar 9.3 (Dave) and to my upset, it appears on the joke website. No, guys, I'm not trying to turn this into a political forum and I apologize for what happened.

Gerry, contrast that with the RAN Sea King helo crash in Indonesia, during the Tsunami relief efforts. Several people in the crowd who were waiting for the helo to land ran INTO the burning wreck to drag out the only 2 survivors, burning themselves in the process.
Indonesia and Australia have had differences in the past, and continue to do so. But it is always nice to see that we can put it aside for the common good in an emergency.

Gerry, yes it is possible that billsleg is working for the Kiwis. But unlikely.
I seem to recall one instance of a Kiwi running around with a King Brown snake attached to his bare arse, after taking a crap in the scrub at an Army training range. He hadn't bothered to check for snakes before pointing his arse at the ground. I can only surmise that the snake took offence to being crapped on. Perfectly understandable.

Dave:

So let me see if I have this straight. Billsleg is not working for the Kiwis - because you recall a Kiwi being struck by a Brown snake (I looked it up and it is a very deadly snake -why am I not surprised?) while in the AUSTRALIAN bush.

I never realized that the New Zealand tourist authorities had so many Aussies working for them!

Gerry, now you really are starting to act like a lawyer. Only a lawyer could connect two such disparate events in an attempt to build a case.
Besides, Kiwi's don't need venomous snakes to scare people away, have you seen a picture of 'Hillen' their Prime Minister?

Dave:

Accusing me of "starting to act like a lawyer" should be beneath you. When you have to stoop to slinging insults (of the lowest sort, I might add) you really have lost the argument already! Also I think it is shocking bad manners to compare the Prime Minister of a sovereign state to a venomous snake. And here I always thought that Aussies engaged in resaoned, calm discussion, (like we Irish). I am saddened to be proven wrong!


(The foregoing is a paid commercial of the New Zealand Tourist Board)

You are right, of course. How could I have compared a venomous reptile to a Prime Minister? To any venomous reptiles I may have inadvertantly insulted, I unreservedly apologise.

Apparantly the Brown Snake was last seen licking a cat's arse just so it could get the taste of the Kiwi out of it's mouth!!!

Gerry you crafty bugger, you have discovered my Kiwi tourism plan, I was looking to have our Government encourage every Australian to take a free holiday in NZ, the only requirement would be that they took a Kiwi under each arm back to NZ with them

quote:

Originally posted by gerrys375:
Dave:

So let me see if I have this straight. Billsleg is not working for the Kiwis - because you recall a Kiwi being struck by a Brown snake (I looked it up and it is a very deadly snake -why am I not surprised?) while in the AUSTRALIAN bush.

I never realized that the New Zealand tourist authorities had so many Aussies working for them!

Dave - Billsleg:

Let's call a truce! I always have been fairly confident about swapping insults with ONE Aussie but two of them -and I confess myself outnumbered.

(I want to talk to the officers who led Aussies and kiwis in combat together. Those guys would have made Napoleon envious!)

Gerry there is a story going around about an incident during the Boer War, where a detachment of mounted rifles was cut off and surrounded by the Boers. After many hours of combat, and after sustaining many casualties, the situation was looking rather bleak for the troopers.
The Boer commander sent word under a flag of truce to the English officer in charge of the troopers, offering terms of surrender. The reply he got has entered ANZAC history, "I would like very much to acept your terms, however, I am in command of Australians who would cut my throat if I tried to surrender".
After working with them so closely over the years, I'd say he would have given the same answer if he was in charge of Kiwis, too.

Dave:

I have read that Australian troops at Singapore in WW2 were reporting that Japanese troops appeared to be flagging -and definitely showed signs of running low on ammo as well. Nonetheless, the British general in overall command surrendered - in what was the largest surrender of British arms in history up to that time. The Aussies nearly revolted. A number of Aussies did swim across and went into the jungle with their rifles rather than surrender. (It was because he heard about the Aussie reports that Churchill himself wanted a courtmartial of the British general and was talked out of it) After the war we found out that the Aussies had been exactly right on both counts. ( The Japs had been facing Indian Army troops on their push down the Malay Peninsula and enjoyed a quick and easy trip down the Peninsula (One historian has written that the Indian troops were terrified by the sound of Jap troops riding bicycles on the rims along the highway - The Indians thought that tanks were approaching!) and the Japanese only met any kind of resistance at all when they met up with Aussies near Singapore itself. Their losses then were staggering and truly disheartened them. That Boer commander had his nerve! Even the Turks at Gallipoli knew better than to ask the ANZACS to surrender! Thanks for an interesting (and amusing) anecdote.