The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q : Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first


Maybe, it is old but good :-)

Jiri

Sounds like some at the Tourist Information Board was having a slow day.
I wonder if the idiot who wanted the rattlesnake antivenin actually tried to make friends with a Taipan?

Cheers, Dave.

quote:

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Egads man! Australia has like 7 of the top 10 deadliest snakes in the world (and yeah, I'm from the USA )

One of these days, I will visit and hunt your fine part of the world!

Ben, We had a bunch of Kiwis, slide over to OZ for an exersise up in Far North Queensland. First day, I see this Kiwi chasing after a 7' Brown snake (yep, they're on the top ten list!), yelling out to all his mates "hey guys, look at the size of this worm!"
No-one had thought to tell them about snakes, New Zealand doesn't have any!

Cheers, Dave.

Getting off humor for a minute -- I'm not sure if rattlesnakes are even on the top 10 list at all? I think venom wise they *might* be, even if pretty far down, but rattlesnakes are highly unpredictable. They're a lot like people in their moods. Some may be passive, or even reasonably cool with handling (up to a point), while others will immediately take offense and get downright ornary about it. By and large though, any given rattlesnake would much rather just crawl into the bushes and leave you alone than be confrontational.

(And yes, there were two (Texans?) I think that both died from playing a friendly game "rattlesnake-toss" with one another. I believe they either won a Darwin award, or were on the list of runners up a few years back.)

But, even if are bitten by a rattlesnake, depending on how much venom is injected, where it bites you, and your own health/bodymass -- you have a reasonable chance of surviving without any treatment. Plus, lots of (especially older) rattlesnakes will generally give a "dry bite" first to dissuade contact without wasting any of their precious venom.


Around here, it's the moccasins you have to worry about. They're a poisonous, AND highly aggressive watersnake. I've been chased by a moccasin before on several occasions down at the pond. We had a snake-shoot one night where several of us took .22s and flashlights to the pond and between 7 and 9 pm we killed 28 water moccasins.

Hell, growing up down here, I think I was 12 years old before I learned (on my own), that there was such a thing as a non-poisonous snake.

Jiri:

Dave:

Everybody knows that anything called the "Australian Tourism Website" actively wants to keep all tourists out of Australia. They just don't want us to find out why the British selected it for a penal colony back when!

On another point - And you didn't tell this man from New Zealand about your venomous reptiles? He came from Eden. At the least he expected a quick familiarization course about Hell! (I feel awful, as an Irishman, insulting Aussies. Not really, of course. The Internet gives me courage!)

BTW, on a different note - This morning I watched a news broadcast. The news reader casually stated that there were wildfires raging "in southeastern Australia". I thought to myself that it was about as informative as telling me that fires were raging in "southeastern North America". I honestly think that much of the world doesn't appreciate the sheer size of Australia.

gerry, it had never occured to me, being used to snakes, to warn the Kiwi's. I had forgotten the most dangerous thing in NZ is 'Hillen" (or possibly the homebrew beer).

Cheers, Dave.

Dave:

I was just kidding you. Frankly I'm astounded that a man in a presumably elite unit was not aware that Australia has so many very deadly snakes. Up here in the US I have seen any number of TV documentaries about its poisonous snakes and so have millions of Americans. ( Having been bitten by an American poisonous snake, the copperhead, at age 6, I have retained a lifelong interest in snakes and I assure you it is not a fond one!)

BTW, I laughed out loud at your observation on another thread that Australia had been settled by people sent there by "England's finest judges".

quote:

Originally posted by Ben589:
Hell, growing up down here, I think I was 12 years old before I learned (on my own), that there was such a thing as a non-poisonous snake.

I live in the center of Texas. Rattle snakes and cottonmouth water moccasins are as common here as jack rabbits. My motto is: "If it rattles, kill it! If it doesn't rattle, kill that SOB anyway, it is probably a moccasin!"

"There ain't no wrong way to kill a snake"

quote:

Originally posted by Big-Ed:

quote:

Originally posted by Ben589:
Hell, growing up down here, I think I was 12 years old before I learned (on my own), that there was such a thing as a non-poisonous snake.

I live in the center of Texas. Rattle snakes and cottonmouth water moccasins are as common here as jack rabbits. My motto is: "If it rattles, kill it! If it doesn't rattle, kill that SOB anyway, it is probably a moccasin!"

"There ain't no wrong way to kill a snake"

Big-Ed, I suppose you could always try killing them by hand? At least you have a somewhat more highly developed sense of self preservation than one of our US Army guests a few years back.
He left his sleeping back to do his turn on picquet (guard), and when he got back he must have jumped straight into his sleeping bag. Along with the taipan, who had moved in while he was away. In the 2 seconds or so it took him to get out, he was bitten 17 times. All on the arms and legs, so we did manage to save him, though he was in hospital for a while.

Recently read an article on a Darwin resident, who saw a king brown on the side of the road and had his mate stop the car so that he could capture it (with the liberal assistance of alcohol, naturally), king brown's are not exactly famous for their sense of humor or love of being man handled, so to express it's displeasure it nailed him on the hand, so being an intelligent fellow he placed the snake in a plastic refuse bag, to his surprise the snake bit him on the arm through the bag.

Being a couple of hours from the nearest hospital he very nearly died, his arm was amputated as the flesh was dead and there was simply to much poison in his arm, he is now in a wheel chair as there was also damage to his central nervous system, but that may be reversed over time. A true candidate for a Darwin award this fellow(considering that's where he resides)

Booze and pissed reptiles not a good mix

The amazing thing in Aus is that the most venomous snakes Tiapan, Fierce, Tiger, Red Belly Black & King Brown snakes to name a few are actually "protected fauna" in most States of Aus.

The thing that I would be most wary of here above the crocs, snakes & sharks would be the good old Sydney funnel web spider nasty & dangerous bastards these things.

Billsleg

quote:

Originally posted by billsleg:
Recently read an article on a Darwin resident, who saw a king brown on the side of the road and had his mate stop the car so that he could capture it (with the liberal assistance of alcohol, naturally), king brown's are not exactly famous for their sense of humor or love of being man handled, so to express it's displeasure it nailed him on the hand, so being an intelligent fellow he placed the snake in a plastic refuse bag, to his surprise the snake bit him on the arm through the bag.

Being a couple of hours from the nearest hospital he very nearly died, his arm was amputated as the flesh was dead and there was simply to much poison in his arm, he is now in a wheel chair as there was also damage to his central nervous system, but that may be reversed over time. A true candidate for a Darwin award this fellow(considering that's where he resides)

Booze and pissed reptiles not a good mix

The amazing thing in Aus is that the most venomous snakes Tiapan, Fierce, Tiger, Red Belly Black & King Brown snakes to name a few are actually "protected fauna" in most States of Aus.

The thing that I would be most wary of here above the crocs, snakes & sharks would be the good old Sydney funnel web spider nasty & dangerous bastards these things.

Billsleg

You forgot Death Adders,
A friend of mine used to breed them for university research, he had about 150 of them in cages around the veranda of his house, one of the only snakes to give birth to live young.

He opened the back door one morning and there was a 2 metre king brown, he caught it ,cleaned the ticks off of it gave it the medical once over and set it free.

When I worked on a bannana farm one of my duty's was the pull the snakes out of the bunches (asians are terrified of em )so they could dehand them.