IRELAND DECLARES WAR

Jacques Chirac, the French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office
wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United
States when his telephone rang. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!", a heavily accented
voice said. "This is Paddy O'Kirby down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo,
Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on
you!"

"Well, Paddy O'Kirby," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How
big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, me
cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the
pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one hundred thousand
men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next
day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Chirac, the war i! s still on. We have managed
to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Chirac asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighed, amused."I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and
5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one
hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure
enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on!" We
have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's
ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from
the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military
complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And
since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure
enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I
am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and
decided there's no foo-kin way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners."

That ain't the way it happened. When Chirac was told that war was declared, he surrendered immeiately unconditionally.
Paul B.